Tag Archives: Postaday

June 22, 2015 · 11:59 am

Meet Unemployed Singles Today!

I quit my job at Burger Giant

And now I’m beating down the door

Of Indeed, Monster, and Jobs.com,

Along with several more.

Then something in me realized

That this process I was hating

Could learn a valuable lesson

From the world of online dating.

I would happily seek employment

On MatchMySkills.com,

Or how ’bout J-Job, FatGuysWork,

Or EmployMySingleMom?

If you want to outsource labor

There’s always AsianJobs to try,

For part time jobs: It’s Just ‘Til Lunch.

For waiting tables: Grown Men Don’t Fry.

I understand that on these

The industry won’t pounce,

But as Grandma always said

It’s the thought that counts.

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June 21, 2015 · 12:37 pm

Sweet Tea

I met a girl the other day.

She was such a teas.

I was lost in the swing of her rose hips

And the bend of her chai knees.
She was sweet as a strawberry zinger.

Her hair was as black as Earl Grey.

She raised one lump or two in my heart

And she steeped in my thoughts all day.
And tonight I will drink in her presence

And maybe protect her from thieves.

If all goes well, we’ll have English Breakfast.

I read it in the leaves.

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June 20, 2015 · 1:56 pm

Learning To Bee Yourself

They’re coming at seven

And this place is a mess.

There are larvae all over the walls.

We’ve not enough pollen

To feed all our guests,

And the queen is asking for my balls.
The workers are striking.

The drones are conversing.

The soldiers are sewing on stripes.

I’ve just about had it

With this dinner party

And all of my coworkers’ gripes.
Thus said the hornet

Who dared to be different.

‘Twas his nature. He didn’t know why.

Later that day

After leaving the nest

He learned that he’d been born a fly.

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June 19, 2015 · 1:54 pm

Midlife Hammering

If I had a hammer

I’d hammer in the morning.

I’d hammer in the evening

All over this land.

I’d hammer for weeks

Until one week, without warning

I’d realize that my hammer

Was getting quite bland.
Then I’d sell my hammer

And buy a Mazerati.

I’d stay up in the evening

And buff it by hand.

I’d drive it to the movies

Until it got a door ding.

Then I’d sell it for a smart car

And maybe start a garage band.

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June 18, 2015 · 12:16 pm

Sermon On The Scale

Blessed are the cheesemakers

Who turn milk into gold

By putting it in barrels

‘Til it’s really, really old

(And occasionally covered in mold).
Blessed are the coffee roasters

Who make heaven out of beans.

They harvest the energy of life

Among the coffee greens.

(To top it off, their uniform is partially blue jeans).
Blessed are the chocolatiers

Who shape, box, and decant.

For them my praise has no end,

And neither does my rant.

(Their uniform also includes a form of denim pant).
Blessed are the ice cream men,

And ice cream women too.

They make a food that’s wonderful,

And you don’t even have to chew!

(It seems that most good things in life come from the things that moo).
Blessed are the liposuctionists

Who make the other four

A possibility, and let

Me eat enough for four.

(And now my sermon is complete. No go and eat some more). 

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June 17, 2015 · 7:12 pm

That Was Almost Disastrous

It’s been awhile 

Since a poem of mine

Has been forgotten

‘Til 7:09.
What can I say?

It’s been one of those days

How sorry am I?

Let me count the ways.
I guess that I’m sorry

This poem’s half-baked.

OK, I’m done.

My sarcasm is slaked.
Thanks all for reading,

Especially y’all in New York.

I’m going to sleep now.

Yours truly, a dork.

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June 16, 2015 · 12:57 pm

Malpractice

I went to the doctor.

I was feeling sick.

He hit me with a hammer

And tried to make me kick.
And so I kicked (a bit to hard).

I hope he can still chew…

Now I’ll see if a chiropractor

Can cure my stomach flu.

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June 15, 2015 · 12:57 pm

Absent That Familiar Twinkle

I caught her eye and blinked

In a way I meant to mean

“I appreciate your presence

And willingness to be seen.”
She blinked back in return

That said unmistakably

“I’ve seen you ’round these parts before.

Please stop following me.”

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June 14, 2015 · 11:27 am

The Art Of Heisting

I saw a priceless piece of art

Hanging on your wall.

I dug a slit beneath it

Into which it could fall.

I shook the house forcefully

With a wrecking ball,

And now to find the painting,

Through rubble I must crawl.
It seemed a good idea

For thieving at the time.

Your house was so unguarded

And perfect for a crime,

And the painting was so beautiful

It’d sell for quite a dime.

Alas, my plan was vetted

By an unreliable mime.
So because of my planner’s silence

I made a lot if noise

With the pretense of stealing

Your super pretty toys.

I hope I’ll find a better partner

Among the orange-jumpsuited boys.

Ah, the art of heisting

And all its simple joys.

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June 13, 2015 · 1:58 pm

Life is Ephemeral

If I were a mayfly

With but one day to live

I’d spend my only hours

Looking for ways to give,
And what better gift

Is there for a bunch of bugs

But a lifetime supply of happiness

In the form of chocolate Hugs.
I would build a factory

A milimeter high.

I’d hire and train the larvae

To work until they die.
I’d create a one-fly empire

To bring joy to me and you,

Only to have it crushed

By some human’s canoe.
So next time you are boating,

Running, swimming, or taking a hike

Think about the little guys

Before doing as you like,
‘Cause maybe the cure for cancer

Or diseases of another kind

Are hidden in the ephemeral

Ambitious mayfly’s mind.
If I were a Mayfly

I’d be the best fly I could be.

But alas, I’m not a fly,

So let’s go watch TV.

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