If you try to stalk someone
And eventually fail
It would be worth your time
To work some retail.
Tag Archives: Puns
Spa Ha Ha
I asked how much it costs
To get one’s pubic region waxed.
They said “A Brazilian dollars,”
At which point I relaxed.
Filed under Poems
Jurass-is-Grass
The Tyrannosaurus Rex
Was stalking the jungle
And feeling incredibly violent
When, soundless and yellow,
Urine hit the fellow
For the Pterodactyl’s pee is silent.
Filed under Poems
Discover Why Mexicans Use Visa*
“Black guys play the black card.”
That’s how white people said it
Before they made the Master Card
And gave themselves the credit.
*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.
Filed under Poems
When You Catch Someone’s Eye(s)…
Tonight I came to realize
That if you see the world through another’s eyes
You might see, through this new view,
That someone made a horror movie based on the sick, eye-stealing you.
Filed under Poems
She Did Not Laugh Throatily
She asked me for a diamond necklace.
I gave her a diamond whose shoulders touch its head.
She asked me for a diamond necklace
But I gave her a diamond neckless instead.
Filed under Poems
Not Quite A Heartache
I heard him tell her “You’re breathtaking,”
And I thought “That’s nice, isn’t it.”
Then I realized it was a guy with a lisp
Who just punched his wife on the tit.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Simultaneously Existed And Didn’t (Until You Saw The Title)
If the name of Ivan Pavlov
Doesn’t ring a bell
Then I know an Erwin Shrodinger
Whose tale I can tell.
He got himself arrested
Despite being a scientific whizz.
He wasn’t sure he killed someone
But they told him and now he is.
Filed under Poems
Cautionary Tale
A visitor had phone sex
With a couple of hotel maids.
He thought he couldn’t get an STD
But now he has hearing aids.
Filed under Poems
When You’re Not Picky About Who You Befriend
My friend has 70 statues of legs.
I don’t know how he got ’em,
But I know if he ever spanks a statue
He’ll likely hit rock bottom.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 