Tag Archives: White People

What White Men REALLY Can’t Do Is Rap

They say white men can’t dunk

But neither can a skunk.

Checkmate, punk…

Or so I thunk.

Turns out a chunk

Of white guys don’t stunk

But make the backboard clunk.


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Street Wisdom, the New Hampshire Way

The hard drugs are named things

Like heroin and crack

And there are more I don’t know

‘Cause I’m white as a Mac.

Other drugs have names

Like Clopidogrel

So if you’re not sure if a drug’s “hard”

That’s one way to tell.

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Happy Black History Month

They’re always making movies

About how white culture sucks

‘Cause “white folks are all racist”

And therefor are sitting ducks

To being cast as villains

In movies about the first

All black [insert niche hobby] group.

Isn’t that just the worst?

So I want to make a movie

Set in ye olde Babylon

About the first non-Jewish folks

God didn’t inflict pain on,

Or how about the first straight white guy

Who stayed home to raise his kid

And all the crazy backlash

About the stuff that one guy did?

I’d even take, at this point,

A commercial for insurance

Where a man is dumb and so’s his wife

And you can make your own inference.

And maybe if we all work hard

We’ll live to see the day

That a white guy is selected

To be in the NBA.


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Canadian Rap

What’s up dawg?

We about to get real!

In my crib we consider

How other folks feel,

Like when a brother asks

“Yo, where da bathroom be?”

You say “The end of the hall,”

And hope they have a good pee.

If your mixtape is flames

But it’s disturbin’ the neighbors

You realize that lack of sleep

Impacts professional labors,

So you crank it from eleven

Back to a suitable volum’

So when yo neighbors see the cops

They ain’t intendin’ to call ’em.

We don’t judge a playa’s major,

Whether fine arts or stem.

We be diggin’ respect

For he/him/she/her/they/them.

We know if a brotha’s vegan

Or wants his food gluten free,

And if you bringin’ people drinks

Why not some decaf tea?

If you come an’ have a holla

In the ‘burbs with me,

I be more apt to thank you kindly

If you RSVP.

You may think we freakin’ tame

Because our hide’s pretty white,

But a party ain’t be rockin’

If da guests ain’t polite!

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Discover Why Mexicans Use Visa*

“Black guys play the black card.”

That’s how white people said it

Before they made the Master Card

And gave themselves the credit.

*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.

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You’re A Grand Wizard Harry

If all white people are racists

And support the KKK

It makes me see Hagrid

In an entirely new way.

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Sarsaparilla Is Southern After All…

I opened a bottle of root beer

And smiled at the sweetness and fizz.

You probably don’t think that sounds racist

But I’m white, so it probably is.

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White Men…

Forty-thousand years ago

I was not yet born.

There was no clear cut logging,

Slow wi-fi or GMO corn.

The Federal Reserve

Had some cash they’d yet to spend

And there’d never been a war

Designed to have no end.

Alas, what we have now’s

Not what we had.

I guess that I should probably say

“My bad.”

A school shooting three times a year

Is worse than the crusades.

Sixty-eight cents on a man’s dollar

Is worse than not getting paid.

All the knowledge in the world

Is just a finger tap away,

But it can’t match the tribal elders

Saying “stone that guy. He’s gay.”

Despite the stained glass windows

God’s our middle-eastern dad,

So from this white guy to the world:

Oops, my bad.

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