If I had a dollar
For every time the mainstream media
Said something nice about white people
I’d have zero dollars
Which is still more than the WNBA
Has earned in all of history.
Tag Archives: White People
Sincerely, Educated White Dudes
I’m not much of a gangster
And I’m not a street-smart guy
So can anyone enlighten me
How so much gets you high?
For example, bath salts
And keyboard cleaner cans
Made someone want to sniff them
And promptly earned their bans…
Who are the people purchasing
And sniffing random goods
To see if something in them
Makes them feel different moods?
And if it’s not trial and error
But some scientific knowledge
That tells you what’s worth selling
On the street to pay for college
Then why aren’t people using
This backroom chemical expertise
To make it so the methheads
Can unabashedly say “cheese”?
Filed under Poems
True Story (Unfortunately)
Tonight, when playing pickleball
I did a little dance
While trying to smack that fickle ball
And oops! I ripped my pants!
I learned to play more cautiously.
Also, for what it’s worth
I’ve secured my reputation
As the whitest man on Earth.
Filed under Poems
What White Men REALLY Can’t Do Is Rap
They say white men can’t dunk
But neither can a skunk.
Checkmate, punk…
Or so I thunk.
Turns out a chunk
Of white guys don’t stunk
But make the backboard clunk.
Word.
Filed under Poems
Street Wisdom, the New Hampshire Way
The hard drugs are named things
Like heroin and crack
And there are more I don’t know
‘Cause I’m white as a Mac.
Other drugs have names
Like Clopidogrel
So if you’re not sure if a drug’s “hard”
That’s one way to tell.
Filed under Poems
Happy Black History Month
They’re always making movies
About how white culture sucks
‘Cause “white folks are all racist”
And therefor are sitting ducks
To being cast as villains
In movies about the first
All black [insert niche hobby] group.
Isn’t that just the worst?
So I want to make a movie
Set in ye olde Babylon
About the first non-Jewish folks
God didn’t inflict pain on,
Or how about the first straight white guy
Who stayed home to raise his kid
And all the crazy backlash
About the stuff that one guy did?
I’d even take, at this point,
A commercial for insurance
Where a man is dumb and so’s his wife
And you can make your own inference.
And maybe if we all work hard
We’ll live to see the day
That a white guy is selected
To be in the NBA.
Filed under Poems
Canadian Rap
What’s up dawg?
We about to get real!
In my crib we consider
How other folks feel,
Like when a brother asks
“Yo, where da bathroom be?”
You say “The end of the hall,”
And hope they have a good pee.
If your mixtape is flames
But it’s disturbin’ the neighbors
You realize that lack of sleep
Impacts professional labors,
So you crank it from eleven
Back to a suitable volum’
So when yo neighbors see the cops
They ain’t intendin’ to call ’em.
We don’t judge a playa’s major,
Whether fine arts or stem.
We be diggin’ respect
For he/him/she/her/they/them.
We know if a brotha’s vegan
Or wants his food gluten free,
And if you bringin’ people drinks
Why not some decaf tea?
If you come an’ have a holla
In the ‘burbs with me,
I be more apt to thank you kindly
If you RSVP.
You may think we freakin’ tame
Because our hide’s pretty white,
But a party ain’t be rockin’
If da guests ain’t polite!
Filed under Poems
Discover Why Mexicans Use Visa*
“Black guys play the black card.”
That’s how white people said it
Before they made the Master Card
And gave themselves the credit.
*This poem contains no mention of American Express because I couldn’t think of a good “Underground Railroad” joke, and also no one uses American Express.
Filed under Poems
You’re A Grand Wizard Harry
If all white people are racists
And support the KKK
It makes me see Hagrid
In an entirely new way.
Filed under Poems
Sarsaparilla Is Southern After All…
I opened a bottle of root beer
And smiled at the sweetness and fizz.
You probably don’t think that sounds racist
But I’m white, so it probably is.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 