I proudly draw a perfect circle
And then somebody screams…
“It’s a Venn Diagram of people born in the ’90’s
“And people who like to make memes!”
Tag Archives: Truth
From the Diary of Washington’s Next Top Martyr
This afternoon, Jay Inslee,
The Governor of WA,
Mandated everyone wear masks
To which I stated: “Ha!”
The problem with such mandates
Is that if up the police show
You can say “I’m attracted to plants today”
And they have to let you go.
Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner
Geppetto saw the puppet
Come alive one fateful night.
He hardly could contain his pure
Excitement and delight.
He asked, “What is your power?”
To which the toy replied,
“My nose grows when I’m truthful
“And I’ve never, ever lied.”
Geppetto took the puppet
On a tour of the land
And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”
To all the coarse and bland.
“A gift to puppetmakers
“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”
And so, in awe, they watched the nose
And drank unto his health.
And as the ugly stayed the same,
The poor stayed destitute,
The puppet stayed beloved,
For his word was absolute.
This lesson serves to illustrate
Wherefore in every hour
We ought not correlate the truth
With presence of a power.
Filed under Poems
It’s Thick Enough That The Title Goes On The Spine!
A book came in the mail for me!
I wrote it and it came!
If you act quickly then you can
Experience the same!
It’s yours to buy on Amazon
(Or elsewhere if you’re odd):
It’s cheaper than an ounce of gold
And funnier than God!
Neutral background made of the author’s sweatpants not included…
Filed under Poems
Yay for Forethought!
So they dissolved the police force
And the officers found new jobs
As body guards for wealthy folks
Who pay with golden gobs.
Those who forced defunding
Now demand free guards for all.
I guess that the defunders
Want policemen after all!
Filed under Poems
[Insert That One Guy Here]
His heart was as big as a pop-up ad
On a movie you watch on your phone.
His mind was as big as the X in the corner
That tells it to leave you alone.
Filed under Poems
What Happens When I Get Less Than 14 Hours Of Sleep
Today I am sleepy.
Tomorrow I’m somnolent.
Many already realized
This poem won’t rhyme.
Filed under Poems
No Joke!
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
Meanwhile, At Netflix Headquarters…
In Japan they make cartoons
With people named Jojo or Light…
And even though they’re Japanese
The characters are all white…
But when we film an adaptation
Fans of the original are mad
Because we only hired white actors
And, apparently, that’s bad?
Filed under Poems
Why Fictional Japan Is Objectively The Best Country
On TV, the blue-haired girl
Is innocent and kind.
She cooks and cleans and loves you
For your heart, not your behind.
She’s fearful, but she conquers it;
Was blind, but now she sees.
In real life, the blue-haired girl
Thinks men are a disease.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 