Imagine there’s a world where aliens
Use human to wash dishes after a meal
And now you have a better sense
Of how sponges probably feel.
Category Archives: Poems
Social Justice’s New Mission
Imagine there’s a world where aliens
Use human to wash dishes after a meal
And now you have a better sense
Of how sponges probably feel.
Filed under Poems
Butt Weight… There’s More
I like girls who are polite
And women who are modest.
I like girls with joie de vivre
Although they’re not the hottest.
I like girls who demonstrate
A sense of generosity
Yet girls I meet prefer to flaunt
Their callipygiosity.
Filed under Poems
The Fourteenth and Fifteenth Words Prove I’m Lying
Someone approached my wife and asked her
“Is your man a good multitasker?”
My wife said, “No, he’s really bad.”
I stopped listening then so I could get mad.
Filed under Poems
Difficulties In Treating Dyslexia
If you need to do brain surgery
Make sure someone sees ya
‘Cause otherwise you might mix up
Euthanasia and anesthesia.
Filed under Poems
Post-Holiday Pleasures
What’s most nearly opposite
To gently falling rain,
Your lover’s gentle heartbeat,
And comfort of the brain?
The answer starts with “Someone”
And ends with “Else’s baby on a plane.”
Filed under Poems
Christmas Somewhen
Somewhen there’s a child
In the snowy winter night
Staring upward into Heaven
And onto the brightest star.
Somewhen there’s a desperate man
Who lost his latest fight
Who’ll spend the snowy evening
In the backseat of his car.
Somewhen a chilly gentleman
Will give one final cast;
A trip to somewhere lonely ends
With pulling on a rod.
Somewhen there’s a virgin
Sitting on her ass
As it carries her to Bethlehem
Where she’ll give birth to God.
Somewhen at the skating rink
He steals a midnight kiss
As the lights and drinks are flowing
And all life seems to rhyme.
Somewhen brothers stand as one
Amidst a toxic hiss
And proceed to kill themselves
One shot at a time.
Somewhen wrapping paper tears.
Somewhen candles light
Someone’s unspoken birthday wish
And others left forlorn.
Among the bullets, bottles, candles,
Kisses, stars, and night
I hope another savior
Somewhen in you is born.
Filed under Poems
Is Mary In Labor Yet?
We’ve waited for a while now
To celebrate some waiting,
Expectantly expecting
To be anticipating.
Today at last the wait can end
And world peace is beginning
Until the 26th occurs
And we resume our sinning.
Filed under Poems
*Rapidly Buys Stock In Scarf Company*
If you throw plastic in the trash
I hope you realize
That you might be the reason
A baby turtle dies
And if, because of plastic,
Sea turtles end up dead
They can’t make turtleneck sweaters anymore
And you’ll have to wear scarves instead.
Filed under Poems
Capitalism In Action
People are saying college is expensive,
That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.
I worked hard to get a scholarship
And only owe $99,999.99
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 