I wish, when first you met someone
You’d know if you should care
And could see if they’re important
By the weirdness of their hair.
I wish that all decisions
Could be solved in such a way
That a card game or a cook-off
Would decide who rules the day.
I wish that every skill
Could be mastered in an hour
Through a training montage sequence
And above-3,000 power.
But I would trade these wishes
Plus a leg and six months pay
For the girls in real life
To be the girls in anime.
Filed under Poems
Steve and Sharocco are tigers
But they are not alike.
Steve enjoys a day at the spa;
Sharocco likes to hike.
Steve likes Bob Ross videos;
Sharocco likes to knit.
But both love eating human flesh
So along they somehow get.
Filed under Poems
My breath smelled like a customer service hotline
So I set off to buy me a mint.
The vending machine said “Out of order”
But instead of taking the hint
I shook it, kicked it, bopped it, kissed it,
Took it to Peru.
Now it’s been 30 years today
Since it didn’t say “I do.”
Filed under Poems
“You have sixteen melons
“And I take ten away.
“What do you have left?”
Just this gun and newfound prey…
Filed under Poems
I bought a fish named Clem on Tuesday
And by Wednesday he was dead.
I bought a fish named Joe on Thursday
But hid him under my bed.
Joe is living happily
Unlike poor, stubborn Clem
Who saw guys on TV and challenged himself
To hold his breath like them.
Filed under Poems
I was a cock a huntin’
For a wily, free-range hen
I needed a set of wheels
That appealed to chicks, so then
I went to get a car loan
And I jumped through a hoop.
Now I’m clucking happy
Crossing the road in my chicken coupe.
Filed under Poems
I met a girl in cooking class
When I was seventeen.
She texted “Wanna have some fun?”
I asked “What do you mean?”
She sent me some emojis
Of an eggplant and a queen.
I replied “Thanks for the offer
“But I’m out of aubergine.”
Filed under Poems
I asked my Dad, “Before computers
“When you were bored what did you do?”
He wouldn’t say, and none of my sixteen
Brothers and sisters knew.
Filed under Poems
Some people say a football player
Is really, really large.
What’s bigger than a football player
Is probably a barge.
What’s bigger than a barge
Is a thousand-trillion ants.
Nothing bigger than that
Exists outside my pants.
Some evenings I sit in darkness
Playing a sad song on repeat
With a pillow on my head
And a blanket on my feet.
I’m don’t feel sad
Though I am devoid of laughter;
I feel sad because I hate
The song that plays right after.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 