Tag Archives: Medicine

At Least The Pills Are Small

If you’re an ant

And you just can’t

Because of your upset tummy

So you eat a tum

And murmur “yum”

Because you’re not a dummy

But then you’re sad

And feel bad

And wish the pain hadn’t pass-ed

You take a bite

That feels right

Of an ant-anti-antacid.

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In America!

“An apple a day

“Keeps the doctor away,”

Or so my mama said.

“You’ve got no cash

“So you’ll soon turn to ash,”

Is what doctors say instead.

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Difficulties In Treating Dyslexia

If you need to do brain surgery

Make sure someone sees ya

‘Cause otherwise you might mix up

Euthanasia and anesthesia.

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But It Makes One Bicep Look Bigger…

Some of you may believe

That I wear my heart on my sleeve

As a matter of choice,

But don’t heed that voice.

There was a surgeon who’s since taken his leave…

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Medical Motivation

I’m a proctologist,

Healer of butts.

That much I swear is the truth.

Folks always ask

Why I’ve chosen such work

That so clearly is gross and uncouth.

Some say it’s because

I want to be rich.

Some think I must be gay.

Some say I’ve got

A stick up my butt

And I want you to feel the same way.

Some say I had talent

In medical school

And I’d probably have aced all my classes

If I hadn’t been so

Dedicated and focused

On the likes of my peers and their asses.

Some say I love butts

A little too much

But hadn’t the talent for porn.

The truth is I want

To study in depth

How politicians are born.

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Find What You Love and Get Paid For It

I used to be the leader

Of a bunch of nasty thugs

Who cut on people’s bodies

And sold a lot of drugs.

But now I’ve finally realized

That those things aren’t cool.

Now I’ll use my skills to prosper

At Harvard Medical School.

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I went to the doctor.

I was feeling sick.

He hit me with a hammer

And tried to make me kick.
And so I kicked (a bit to hard).

I hope he can still chew…

Now I’ll see if a chiropractor

Can cure my stomach flu.

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Were I A Tiger

Were I a tiger in a cage

I think I would be filled with rage,

And when the humans gave me food

I’d return it, halfway chewed.

The human doctors would have a hunch

Why I refused to eat my lunch,

And they would come inside my pen,

And I’d enjoy the meat of men.

Were I a tiger, I’d be happy, yet

I’m not a tiger; I’m a vet.

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I went to my doctor
With a terrible cold,
A product of
My getting old.

He told me to take
Two aspirins or so,
Then gave me a bill
And bade me to go.

And now I’m in prison
For acting immorally.
I took aspirin from the store
When the doctor meant orally.

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Overheard at the ER…

I’m not the best looking fellow.
I’ve never had a tan,
I’ve got under five pounds of muscle
And I drive a Volkswagen Van.

So I took a flight to Hawaii
To the beaches of Mauna Loa.
I got sunburned, but I found a buddy:
The enigmatic Feathered Boa.

As far as snakes go he was friendly
And he reworked my wardrobe from scratch.
He buffed me and tweezed me and did other things
That no human esthetician could match.

So thanks boss for seeing I’m different,
But I can’t comply with your request.
All my patients know that this boa’s for show
And as brain surgeons go, I’m the best.

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