Tag Archives: Medicine

But In Europe, It’s Free!

I had a headache yesterday

So I went to my doc.

He said I have moderate-to-severe cephalalgia

And I need twice-daily Quperoc.

He said thanks to science

And two tablets twice a day

I would be able to ensure

My headache is gone away.

I might experience side effects

But I didn’t read the fine print.

Now I have no headache

And my skin’s a purplish tint…

I went to the doctor

With a pounding in my head.

Now I have cancer, anal fissures,

Gout, low T, and I am dead.

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At Least The Pills Are Small

If you’re an ant

And you just can’t

Because of your upset tummy

So you eat a tum

And murmur “yum”

Because you’re not a dummy

But then you’re sad

And feel bad

And wish the pain hadn’t pass-ed

You take a bite

That feels right

Of an ant-anti-antacid.

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In America!

“An apple a day

“Keeps the doctor away,”

Or so my mama said.

“You’ve got no cash

“So you’ll soon turn to ash,”

Is what doctors say instead.

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Difficulties In Treating Dyslexia

If you need to do brain surgery

Make sure someone sees ya

‘Cause otherwise you might mix up

Euthanasia and anesthesia.

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But It Makes One Bicep Look Bigger…

Some of you may believe

That I wear my heart on my sleeve

As a matter of choice,

But don’t heed that voice.

There was a surgeon who’s since taken his leave…

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Medical Motivation

I’m a proctologist,

Healer of butts.

That much I swear is the truth.

Folks always ask

Why I’ve chosen such work

That so clearly is gross and uncouth.

Some say it’s because

I want to be rich.

Some think I must be gay.

Some say I’ve got

A stick up my butt

And I want you to feel the same way.

Some say I had talent

In medical school

And I’d probably have aced all my classes

If I hadn’t been so

Dedicated and focused

On the likes of my peers and their asses.

Some say I love butts

A little too much

But hadn’t the talent for porn.

The truth is I want

To study in depth

How politicians are born.

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Find What You Love and Get Paid For It

I used to be the leader

Of a bunch of nasty thugs

Who cut on people’s bodies

And sold a lot of drugs.

But now I’ve finally realized

That those things aren’t cool.

Now I’ll use my skills to prosper

At Harvard Medical School.

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Malpractice

I went to the doctor.

I was feeling sick.

He hit me with a hammer

And tried to make me kick.
And so I kicked (a bit to hard).

I hope he can still chew…

Now I’ll see if a chiropractor

Can cure my stomach flu.

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Were I A Tiger

Were I a tiger in a cage

I think I would be filled with rage,

And when the humans gave me food

I’d return it, halfway chewed.

The human doctors would have a hunch

Why I refused to eat my lunch,

And they would come inside my pen,

And I’d enjoy the meat of men.

Were I a tiger, I’d be happy, yet

I’m not a tiger; I’m a vet.

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Shoplifting

I went to my doctor
With a terrible cold,
A product of
My getting old.

He told me to take
Two aspirins or so,
Then gave me a bill
And bade me to go.

And now I’m in prison
For acting immorally.
I took aspirin from the store
When the doctor meant orally.

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