If I owned a magic candy cane
That could call thunder and rain
I’d try to die ASAP
So they wouldn’t think my life would be a good movie.
Category Archives: Poems
A Diatribe On The State Of Political Upheaval In Western Civilization
The incidences of protests
Inversely correlate
With the cost of protest signs
And whether people have a date.
Filed under Poems
Head In The Clouds
I looked up at the clouds
To the the faces in the sky.
I saw one, with a large nose
And big blue eyes
And goofy white hair.
And I wondered
“Is he going to open his parachute soon?”
Filed under Poems
Watch As This Somehow Violates The WordPress Terms Of Service…
If you see an ad
Anywhere around this page
Do not click on it.
Advertisers don’t
Pay me to be on my site.
That gives me no joy.
But if I offend
All the advertising firms
They might go away.
Thus all these haiku
Warning you not to click on
Those cheap f#%^ers’ ads.
Filed under Poems
White Privilege 2.0
Despite meeting a cannibal
I feel pretty good.
I was scared until he said
That he liked Chinese food.
Filed under Poems
Lettuce Feast
Salads are bad.
We know this because
The dressing industry exists to hide
How bad your salad was.
Filed under Poems
My Little League Career
Like the full moon’s silhouette
In the cloudless morning sky
The baseball whispered through the air
And smacked me in the eye.
It’s not a good analogy
Nor a comfortable event
But it gets the basic point across
Of how the ballgame went.
Filed under Poems
Like Duck Puns… BUT BETTER 🔥
If you want a large-beaked bird
A pelican will do.
If you want a big-beaked philosopher
Then Peli Kant’s for you.
If you want a big-beaked marsupial
Try pelikangaroo.
If you want other big-beaked puns…
You guessed it: Pelican-do.
Filed under Poems
Charisma 18, Dexterity 1
Abraham Lincoln,
The breaker of chains:
‘Twas he who guided
America’s reigns,
Who heralded vict’ry
And ended much strife
But couldn’t dodge a bullet
To save his life.
Filed under Poems
Quick Thoughts On Bad Drivers
Justice
I think we all agree that it’s
A terrible fate to drown
But I still wish it on those
Who pass me then slow down.
——————————————————–
Bumper Stickers:
It have noticed that
People honk for Jesus more
When I text my friends.
——————————————————–
Self-Awareness
If you see a car with the hazard lights on
It’s probably my Grandma Ruth.
She’s not a very good driver
But she always tells the truth.
——————————————————–
You Do It Too…
My pinky and ring-finger rise
And my upward palm is flat,
The universal symbol
Of “What the fuck was that?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 