Pixie dust and fairy farts,
Princess hair and fey Walmarts:
Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.
The others are movies that Disney just did.
Tag Archives: Disney
Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message
Filed under Poems
Instead of “Happily Ever After”, Say This
In almost every fairy tale
Before Disney went woke
Someone would be destitute…
Good-looking, yes, but broke.
Someone else would come along
And always do what’s right
And the two of them would marry
And ride off into the night.
The question that arises
But that Disney still ignores
Is how “Happily ever after”
Can coexist with chores,
How princesses and monsters
And kings and queens and knights
Can say that they are happy
Despite their many fights,
That life keeps getting in their way
And still they smile on,
Breathing fire in the evening
Yet they’re safe again at dawn.
These fairy tales could have said
“And from then on the chose
“Always to be partners
“Even when they felt like foes.”
But instead, soon I suspect
Disney will say “Though rage
“Occasionally dampened their spirits,
“They were saved by a higher minimum wage.”
Filed under Poems
Disney and the Unintended Consequences of Fantasy
When I was a younger child
I couldn’t help but feel
That, in my life, dalmatians
Would be a significantly bigger deal.
Filed under Poems
Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland
Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
Filed under Poems
ENOUGH ALREADY
They made the Joker movie
Where the villain was relatable.
Then they made “Cruella”
And made killing dogs debatable.
And I know that coming soon
To theaters near me
Is a film called “Adolf:
“A young art student’s story.”
Actual MCU Pitch Meeting, Featuring Greek Food
There one was a film about heroes
That didn’t gross quite enough zeroes.
Disney said, “Make it funny
“And we’ll make way more money,”
Then the CEO ordered some gyros.
Filed under Poems
When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…
“Everyone loves our movies”
Said the Disney corporation
As they embarked on making
Their next live-action adaptation.
“The only problem I can see”
Said a modern movie buff
“Is that your previous films
“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”
And so the Disney corporation
Began to turn away
Anyone who wasn’t brown
Or female or gay.
Now the Disney corporation
Isn’t evil, FYI
Despite their CEO Bob Iger
Being an old cis-hetero white guy.
We know he isn’t evil
And his movies aren’t trash
‘Cause anti-white discrimination
Is what brings Disney their cash
And money, after all,
Is what makes the world go round.
(Also, you know who to blame
If I go missing and am never found).
Filed under Poems
Because Disney Ruins Everything
If I owned a magic candy cane
That could call thunder and rain
I’d try to die ASAP
So they wouldn’t think my life would be a good movie.
Filed under Poems
The 900-Year-Old Virgin
I discovered a Star Wars easter egg
That no one’s noticed yet.
The Jedi forbid romantic love
In times the prequels set.
This ban on love and marriage
As a staple of Jedi law
Lasted from Yoda’s infancy
To his death on Dagobah.
So the Easter egg I mentioned
That everybody missed
Is Yoda was Disney’s Frog Prince
That no one ever kissed.
Filed under Poems
Social Norms: A Disney Musical (Yes, This Is Irony)
Keep it in, keep it in.
Just keep it bottled up
And let no petty feelings
Fall in your proverbial cup.
Don’t be tempted by expression
And ignore that will to live
‘Cause money’s what you want
And money’s all we have to give.
So keep it in, keep it in.
Keep it tucked away inside.
Joyful outbursts and sad moments
Neither one should you abide.
All those swirly bits of feeling
That bounce around your head
Are horrors from the outside world.
Just watch TV instead!
Keep it in, keep it in
Because peace takes too much work
And if you are emotional
People might think you’re a jerk,
So take a swig, a puff, a pill,
A needle in your vein
So you can keep it in some more
And stop feeling the pain.
The Daily Travesty 