Tag Archives: Disney

Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message

Pixie dust and fairy farts,

Princess hair and fey Walmarts:

Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.

The others are movies that Disney just did.

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Instead of “Happily Ever After”, Say This

In almost every fairy tale

Before Disney went woke

Someone would be destitute…

Good-looking, yes, but broke.

Someone else would come along

And always do what’s right

And the two of them would marry

And ride off into the night.

The question that arises

But that Disney still ignores

Is how “Happily ever after”

Can coexist with chores,

How princesses and monsters

And kings and queens and knights

Can say that they are happy

Despite their many fights,

That life keeps getting in their way

And still they smile on,

Breathing fire in the evening

Yet they’re safe again at dawn.

These fairy tales could have said

“And from then on the chose

“Always to be partners

“Even when they felt like foes.”

But instead, soon I suspect

Disney will say “Though rage

“Occasionally dampened their spirits,

“They were saved by a higher minimum wage.”

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Disney and the Unintended Consequences of Fantasy

When I was a younger child

I couldn’t help but feel

That, in my life, dalmatians

Would be a significantly bigger deal.

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Sorry Mr. President, But You Can’t Come Back To Disneyland

Everything was going well

Until I ate that Taco Bell…

For one glorious ride I was a fountain

In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.

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ENOUGH ALREADY

They made the Joker movie

Where the villain was relatable.

Then they made “Cruella”

And made killing dogs debatable.

And I know that coming soon

To theaters near me

Is a film called “Adolf:

“A young art student’s story.”

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Actual MCU Pitch Meeting, Featuring Greek Food

There one was a film about heroes

That didn’t gross quite enough zeroes.

Disney said, “Make it funny

“And we’ll make way more money,”

Then the CEO ordered some gyros.

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When You Hate The Haters, You Hate Yourself, But I’m White So I Should Hate Myself Anyway And I’m So Confused…

“Everyone loves our movies”

Said the Disney corporation

As they embarked on making

Their next live-action adaptation.

“The only problem I can see”

Said a modern movie buff

“Is that your previous films

“Don’t hate straight white men enough.”

And so the Disney corporation

Began to turn away

Anyone who wasn’t brown

Or female or gay.

Now the Disney corporation

Isn’t evil, FYI

Despite their CEO Bob Iger

Being an old cis-hetero white guy.

We know he isn’t evil

And his movies aren’t trash

‘Cause anti-white discrimination

Is what brings Disney their cash

And money, after all,

Is what makes the world go round.

(Also, you know who to blame

If I go missing and am never found).

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Because Disney Ruins Everything

If I owned a magic candy cane

That could call thunder and rain

I’d try to die ASAP

So they wouldn’t think my life would be a good movie.

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The 900-Year-Old Virgin

I discovered a Star Wars easter egg

That no one’s noticed yet.

The Jedi forbid romantic love

In times the prequels set.

This ban on love and marriage

As a staple of Jedi law

Lasted from Yoda’s infancy

To his death on Dagobah.

So the Easter egg I mentioned

That everybody missed

Is Yoda was Disney’s Frog Prince

That no one ever kissed.

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Social Norms: A Disney Musical (Yes, This Is Irony)

Keep it in, keep it in.

Just keep it bottled up

And let no petty feelings

Fall in your proverbial cup.

Don’t be tempted by expression

And ignore that will to live

‘Cause money’s what you want

And money’s all we have to give.

So keep it in, keep it in.

Keep it tucked away inside.

Joyful outbursts and sad moments

Neither one should you abide.

All those swirly bits of feeling

That bounce around your head

Are horrors from the outside world.

Just watch TV instead!

Keep it in, keep it in

Because peace takes too much work

And if you are emotional

People might think you’re a jerk,

So take a swig, a puff, a pill,

A needle in your vein

So you can keep it in some more

And stop feeling the pain.

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