Ten years ago today
We saw a theatrical trailer
For what history may call
The biggest cinematic failure:
A lifeless Star Wars reboot
That exceeded our most cynical fears.
Now come back and read this poem
In another couple of years.
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Whenever you say “This is the worst”
Just ask yourself questions three:
1. How long will it last?
2. Have I seen worse in the past?
3. Is it going to be bought by Disney?
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The year was 2055
And Disney was somehow still alive.
Their greatest writer stood and said
“What if Black Panther was white instead?”
And coast to coast the people caved
As bloggers whined and critics raved
And I, at 60 years, just sat
Rewatching Shrek, and that was that.
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Pixie dust and fairy farts,
Princess hair and fey Walmarts:
Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.
The others are movies that Disney just did.
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In almost every fairy tale
Before Disney went woke
Someone would be destitute…
Good-looking, yes, but broke.
Someone else would come along
And always do what’s right
And the two of them would marry
And ride off into the night.
The question that arises
But that Disney still ignores
Is how “Happily ever after”
Can coexist with chores,
How princesses and monsters
And kings and queens and knights
Can say that they are happy
Despite their many fights,
That life keeps getting in their way
And still they smile on,
Breathing fire in the evening
Yet they’re safe again at dawn.
These fairy tales could have said
“And from then on the chose
“Always to be partners
“Even when they felt like foes.”
But instead, soon I suspect
Disney will say “Though rage
“Occasionally dampened their spirits,
“They were saved by a higher minimum wage.”
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When I was a younger child
I couldn’t help but feel
That, in my life, dalmatians
Would be a significantly bigger deal.
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Everything was going well
Until I ate that Taco Bell…
For one glorious ride I was a fountain
In the very first car upon Splash Mountain.
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They made the Joker movie
Where the villain was relatable.
Then they made “Cruella”
And made killing dogs debatable.
And I know that coming soon
To theaters near me
Is a film called “Adolf:
“A young art student’s story.”
There one was a film about heroes
That didn’t gross quite enough zeroes.
Disney said, “Make it funny
“And we’ll make way more money,”
Then the CEO ordered some gyros.
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The Daily Travesty 