Once upon a time
There was a noncommittal grunt
That lurked within the throat
Of a rather stuck up… woman.
One day it emerged
And then vanished into thin air.
There’s some backstory and lore as well
But I figure you don’t care.
Category Archives: Poems
If The Beatles Were Japanese
Kaiju… Don’t make it mad.
It takes a city and makes it flatter.
Remember to shoot it straight in the heart.
Then you can start to stem the slaughter.
Kaiju… Best be afraid.
Though it’s filmed in low resolution
The minute its scales start to glow white
You know a fight’s the best solution.
And any time it feels pain, Kaiju eats planes.
It’s teeth are big and blunt like boulders.
And know you know how far Kaiju can fling poor you
Whenever his primal temper smolders.
Raarrrraaaarraarrr rar rar rar raaaar…
Rar rar rar raaaaaaarrrrrr… Kaiju.
Mitsu, don’t let me down.
You’re for some reason a robot pilot.
Remember to punch it right in the heart
So school-kids can start to sing together. (For whatever reason)
So fight it out and knock it down, Kaiju’s renown
Will suffer a bit after your meeting.
Don’t fret, Mitsu, that only you can fight Kaiju
And dish out an asian island beating.
Ha ha ha, ha, ha ha ha… HIYAAA!
Kaiju… he’s going down.
Falls in Tokyo Bay and makes stuff wetter.
The credits are just beginning to roll
But don’t take a stroll… the sequel’s better.
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju!
Rah, mama, and a hiyaa! Guess what we saw? Kaiju 2!
The NO-bel Prize
I think we need a Nobel Prize
For folks who do not stand out.
If you’ve never heard of someone
Then they would deserve this handout.
We’d make a list of everyone
Who’ve done anything in their life
Then send somebody not on that list
A small prize, like a knife.
That winner would not be informed
Of the significance of the prize,
Nor would the media or public
Of the award be told likewise.
The laureate would carry on
Not doing much at all.
I think that merits an award
But, hey, that’s just my call.
Filed under Poems
True Biology Facts
Blue whales are the biggest beasts
That ever lived on earth
Who weigh more than Drew Carey
At the moment of their birth.
They start out life as sperm whales
Then they go to whale high school
Where they get teased until they’re sad
And thus end up blue. Cool!
Filed under Poems
Bachelor Life
Sometimes
When I see a beautiful woman
I feel compelled
To approach her,
Take a sip of champagne,
Gargle it loudly for 12.5 seconds
Then just walk away
‘Cause I don’t need all that drama.
Sorry Fellow Libra…
When I was born the doctor said
“Your son may never speak.
“His tongue is all misshapen,
“His entire body weak.
My parents only smiled and laughed
As they rode home on the bus
Saying “At least that doctor
“Wasn’t talking to us!”
Filed under Poems
Female Sexuality And Privilege In The Fruit-Curing Industry
If I were to pick a peck of pickled peppers
Peter Piper’d have a bone to pick with me?
But if I gave Ol’ Pete a peck
He’d want to bone, ’cause “what the heck”
And I needn’t pay the Piper… He’d pay me!
Filed under Poems
Well, The Years Start Coming And They Don’t Stop Coming! Fed To The Rules And I Hit The Ground Runnin’! (If you don’t get this joke, you’re one of the first two)
When you say 2001
Some say “A space odyssey,”
Some say “September 11th,”
Some say “The year of the first Shrek movie.”
One of those subgroups
Is precious to me.
Filed under Poems
A Fairy Tale Romance
I hold your hand and count to ten
On fingers, yours and mine.
I see the ring I’ll give to you
And how the gold will shine.
I see the satin dress you’ll wear,
Your lacy veil of white
And how our lives will be complete
After our wedding night.
I smell our families’ tears of joy
And hear the words we’ll say
To merge two hearts eternally
On one momentous day.
I feel the fire in my heart,
How yours must burn the same,
I ask you now to you marry me!
Oh, also, what’s your name?
Filed under Poems
If California Secedes…
I wish there were a country
That was named “Yomom’sawhore”
‘Cause that way children wouldn’t have to
Study geography anymore.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 