Fishing Scams

I got a suspicious email

From Prince Magbar of Venezuasia

Saying “want to go fishing this Sunday?”

You can’t let emails like that faze ya.

I got another message

A week after the first.

“Dear friend, I must give you money

“Or I fear my spleen will burst.”

I finally blocked his messages

To no longer get that spam,

But only moments later

I questioned who I am

To deny a man with money-spleen

From going fishing with his dear friend.

I replied, guiltily, and we met by the lake

Where he tore out and ate my lungs. The end!

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The Long Haul

I watch you smile

In your sleep.

What secrets do

Your dreams so keep?

Will the joyfulness

Your rest bestowed

Remain when you see

Your car’s been towed?

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Martyrdumb: Saint Drogo’s Story?

Somewhere someone is dying,

Nobly becoming a martyr.

Somewhere someone is getting

Less than what for they did barter.

Somewhere someone deemed saintworthy

As “Patron of Muffin Tops” is anointed.

But here I’m alive and unrecognized

And somehow I’m not disappointed.

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Hey, Wait…

If you’re rubber

And I’m glue

You can call me anything

And I’m just screwed…

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Feminist Fairy Tales

Once upon a time

There lived a lovely dame

Who got stolen by a dragon

Which she thought was pretty lame.

No one came to rescue her

Cause didn’t need no man.

The princes stayed at home

And got flabby eating flan.

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Why Honesty Is A Dying Virtue

People these days

Are way too PC.

Take my friend (who for privacy

And rhyming’s sake we’ll call “B”).

B got offended
When I said “poop and pee.”

Even so, it’s still what

Her dinner tasted like to me.

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I Finally Weigh In On The Important Events

I bought a VIP

To UFC

Flying SEA

To JFK.

It’s pricey for me,

But my OG

Said “fly united

“And get a second fight free.”

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My Ex, Why Z?

She’s a glass doll made of plastic,

A silent symphony,

A baby butterfly

But not a caterpillar, see. 

She’s the sense of satisfaction

Men don’t get from buying shoes.

She’s a pomegranate seed,

But just the part without the juice.

She’s nonfat butter ice cream.

She’s that feeling of “just woke up.”

She’s everything and nothing

Which is probably why we broke up.

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Rufus (Street Fighter IV)

750 pounds

Of animated lard

Who beats the crap out of little girls

And thinks it’s really hard.

He does a six-foot vertical jump

And a pirouette in the air.

Now I need to insert coins…

Life sure isn’t fair.

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Just Because I Can’t Take It With Me Doesn’t Justify Your Shenanigans, Kevin!

If I were to die tomorrow

And my body just rotted away

And I lived as a ghost

With no body for a host

Even though I never got all old and gray

I would be irked. That’s certain.

But I think that as I crossed the bridge

From Earth to Hell or Heaven

I’d think of my roommate Kevin

And hope he wouldn’t steal my food out of the fridge.

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