Someone called me “Nincompoop”
Which didn’t seem fair to me.
Alas, that someone only laughed
When I called him “Nincompee.”
My Last Words As An Employed Relationship Counselor
“Every single woman
Who is single seems to be
Either fat, a slut, a robot,
Or living far away from me.
I may be exaggerating,
My standards set too high,
But I’m getting sick of looking
And I cannot tell a lie.”
Hear ye, frustrated seeker
Of a love that doesn’t suck:
Your whining has been heard
And it turns out you’re in luck!
A new app’s been developed
You can download on your phone
That can take your DNA
And produce your romantic clone.
“Responder to my whining…
The problem is, you see,
That my standards are so high
That I’m not good enough for me.”
Whiny loveless seeker…
The nail’s head’s been hit.
If you’re sure no one will ever be
A truly perfect fit
Then go and buy a puppy
Or a dolphin or a snake
So your next of kin gets something
After you drown yourself in a lake.
Filed under Poems
My Worst Pun Ever… Turn Your Sound Up
If you’re brazen as a basilisk,
Audacious as a drake,
Cocky as a colossus,
Saucy as a snake,
If a wyvern wouldn’t scare you
And a wyrm won’t give you palsy
Then my compliments to you dear friend
‘Cause you are this.
Filed under Poems
GI Average Joe: Halfass Commando
My squad was pinned down
By ten-thousand Iraqis.
We stood not a chance
Against all Allah’s lackeys.
Somehow we survived
And came home from the war,
I with one right leg less
And one purple heart more.
When the big day arrived
To get my medal from Trump
The pres stuck it on,
Said “congrats on the stump!”
Now I live a life
Where I needn’t pack heat,
Where I save cash on tickets
When I buy half a seat.
People notice my injury
Although I don’t tout it.
I keep on with my life
And there’s no butts about it!
In a few years I’ll die
And they’ll speak at my wake.
“He was not and had not
“An asshole,” they’ll spake.
And then I’ll be in heaven
Or maybe in Hell.
Either way, no VA
So I think I’ll be well.
Filed under Poems
Or Crack Some Eggs… SORRY! I DIDN’T MEAN IT! AAAAAAH!
“You can’t make an omelette
Without craking a bag
Of artificial egg-substitute flakes
That lack allergic red flags
And don’t indirectly harm animals
Like your processed foods do.”
I don’t much care for
Vegan analogies. Do you?
Filed under Poems
Beta Hero Speaks His Mind
She stared deeply into his eyes
And, sultry, licked a cube of ice.
“However can I repay you?”
“Well, repayment would be nice?”
Filed under Poems
Seeing Me For Me
To have a snazzy nickname
Like Ultra, Swabs, or Fish:
That was my desire,
My one and only wish
‘Til today I walked down broadway
And someone yelled “hey, herpes guy!”
Somehow I’m not happy
Though my wish is satisfied…
Filed under Poems
Dr Seuss Warms Up
Tail fish, head fish.
Blue fish, red fish.
Althought it’s not my wish
Son, I flushed your dead fish.
Filed under Poems
You’re Probably Just Racist
Why do people always think
That I’m a creepy guy
Just ’cause I eat other humans?
Oh why, oh why, oh why?
Why can’t they come to love me
As a human, not a specter?
Heck, they made a TV show
All about Hannibal Lecter!
Why can I not find true love?
Why are all hearts filled with doubt?
I thought that lots of people
Liked to be romantically eaten out!
I’m entirely worthy of your trust
From my toes to my chin’s cleft!
And don’t mind the BBQ sauce shower…
It’s just something the old owners left.
Filed under Poems
I’m Writing This During A Commercial Break
Good looking people
Talking to each other.
Man is an idiot
Who experiences a bother.
Woman corrects her counterpart
Via the featured service or good.
Be a good ad writer?
Yes, I think I would
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 