The tree is up
The lights are hung
The gifts are wrapped
And stockings strung
The mistle’s toed
Now all I seek
Is to delay the music
For one more week.
Tag Archives: Christmas
1/10 – Not A Silent Night
So I heard the angels singing
All the graces of this inn
But I’ll giveth just one star.
O! Where do I begin?
For one thing, our promised room
Was right next to a manger
And to add to ennui
And sense of mortal danger
Some virgin on a donkey
Gave birth during the night.
The manager didst told me
They’d make everything alright.
I askethed for a refund
But the innkeep said “Maybe
“Instead of giving you a refund
We’ll give gold to the baby?”
If you’re visiting Bethlehem
Know this hotel is very shit.
Also, smelled like myrrh.
-Yelp Review from “Iscariot”
Filed under Poems
My Stocking Is Stuffed And My Belly Is Too
Today it was Christmas
And Christmas was done.
This poem is only smaller
Than my desire to go for a run.
Filed under Poems
Side Effects Include Non-Sequiturs And Academic Integrity
The trees are all decked
With ornaments grand,
The stockings are stuffed
And the peaches are canned,
The sweatshirts are laundered
And the clouds are thundering
And the ointment is working
In case you were wondering.
Filed under Poems
Not Saying Santa Advocates Piracy, But…
Jingle bells on a reindeer’s chest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
A long night ahead with not much rest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
The elves made toys
For good girls and boys
But what the kids today enjoy’s
An iThingy
In 4k HD
With a USB
And a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Nine deer flew but just six came back
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Three collapsed ‘neath the Chinese sack
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Chimneyless homes
With their bulletproof domes
Are wherever he roams
Gluten free cookie lasses
Left him soy milk glasses
Which make him pass gasses
So a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Fifteen elves still employed at best
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Xi Jinping gone outsourced the rest
So its ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
Filed under Poems
Pitch Meeting
If you’re in a creative slump
With no ideas at all
Recall the Christmas ornament guy
Who said, “How ‘bout a ball?”
Filed under Poems
Remember Our Common Enemy!
‘Twas the night before… wait!
It’s not even December!
But apparently networks
Just never remember
That the time for the snowflakes
And Santa and carols
Can wait for the Winter
And family perils.
For now, I commend those
Who’re still round from turkey.
The fate of the others
Is much, much more murky.
But as we hear songs
In the stores and the stations
We endure in our silence
And summon our patience
For a time will come soon
When the jewelry ads play
And we’ll all long for Christmas,
Not Valentine’s day.
Filed under Poems
Careful Where You Hang Your Hat
Some friends and I were mucking about
The attic when we found
And old top hat with a label that
Said “This makes men dance around.”
So we rolled some snowballs up
And made a face of carrot and coal
And we plopped that cap on the snowy chap
And pretended he had a soul.
Alas, for us, the sun was hot
And dancers tend to sweat
So when the day had gone away
That magic hat was wet,
So we hung it by the fire
Atop Grandpa’s antique poker…
So yes officer, that’s what did this to her.
‘Twas Frosty’s spirit that done broke ‘er!
Filed under Poems
Christmas Music After They Take Jesus Out
You know Penis and Meatstick, Schlong, Dong, and ManPalace,
Manparts, “The Ramparts,” and Weiner and Phallus,
But do you recall
The most famous Mickey of all?
Mickey the big-dick Reindeer
Had a very shiny body part
And if you go deep enough on Google
You can probably find fan art. (Please don’t try this!)
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh, except the does.
They just avoided contact
To not be labelled ho-ho-hoes.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say…
“Mickey, the elves started an insurrection.
I have need of your balls and weighty erection.”
Then how the laughter halted
As they watched the rebels flee.
“We’re sorry for feeling threatened
By your girthy masculinity!”
I Put Zero Effort Into This Poem, And So Should You
It’s Christmas day!
It’s Christmas! Yay!
There are better things to do today
Than read this blog, so go away!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 