Vegetable soup will
No longer be served in the
Quadriplegic’s ward.
Tag Archives: Humor
Think About The Bulimic Market Though!
First they made potatoes,
Then they made potato chips
Which were the same but thinner
And were prone to chap one’s lips.
Then they thought, “What if we
“Made these taste like spoiled fruit?”
Thus born was “Salt and Vinegar,”
And thus rose the chip’s repute.
“That went well,” the people said
And so they made new flavors
Like “Sour Cream and Onion”
And “Tasteless” (For the savers).
They made the chips organic,
They made them hot and cold,
They covered them in who-knows-what,
And still, somehow, they sold,
But you now dare to tell me
That my product is a waste?
Who wouldn’t want to purchase chips
Called “Orange Juice and Toothpaste?”
Filed under Poems
Also, Life Is Better With Endless 8-Bit Russian Folk Music
In life, as in Tetris
Failure is guaranteed.
The longer you’ve been playing
The higher is your speed.
You choose where to place the blocks
That you’ve no strength to bend.
Your only goal’s to stay alive
Until the very end.
To play the lowest levels
Is a way to work off stress
But you’ll find when all is over
The rewards are much, much less.
You’ll win by staying focused;
You’ll lose if you get shot.
If you choose to try again
It may get worse… or not.
When you’re done the lowest scores
Are gone without a trace,
But for the few who managed to
Put everything in place
You’ll enter your initials
To claim your high score’s stake
And if you do not enter “ASS”
You’ve made a huge mistake.
Filed under Poems
2021
Deep below, the hipster slugs
Are killing worms and taking drugs
And handing out free slimy hugs
And chanting “Slug Lives Matter.”
High above, against the odds,
Someone applauds the gastropods
And, thinking they are modern gods,
Eat escargot and grow fatter.
Filed under Poems
Conversation Openers
My wife starts conversations
By saying, “Hey there honey!”
My son starts conversations
By saying, “I need money.”
But no one beats my daughter
Who starts to talk to me
With, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said!
“I hate you! OMG!”
Filed under Poems
When You Stretch For The Pun And Hurt Yourself
I want what a former president may do
Were he a bird who saw a speck
‘Cause I don’t like the words “and a.”
I want a Bush’ll peck.
Filed under Poems
The Dream MLK Forgot
She showed a sign and shouted
And got up in our faces
Telling us about how white folks
Are the worst of all the races.
The way her spittle spattered
Was a most impressive sight,
My first and last impression
Of a peaceful Portland night.
Filed under Poems
If People Are Pissed About Masks…
I really hope for chaos’ sake
That the cure for Covid be
The presence of police
Because, well, blessed irony!
Filed under Poems
Extinction, Past and Future
I used to be a Dodo bird
But then I went extinct.
I came back as a Quagga
And then a Cape Verde Great Skink.
I’ve been a Passenger Pigeon
And even a Lesser Bilby.
I’ve yet to be a 5’11 male human
But soon, I fear, I will be…
Filed under Poems
Something To Look Forward To
Until we meet my bed is made,
My shirts are pressed, my bills are paid,
My car is washed, as is my hair
Because you might be anywhere.
Until we meet I’ll laugh and smile.
I’ll be polite and dress in style.
I’ll tip well and I’ll laugh a lot
And hope that your eye will be caught.
Until we meet I’ll be a saint,
Speak properly and not say “ain’t,”
And when you’ve sworn off other men
Then I can be a dick again!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 