Five minutes ago I published
Twelve lines of verse about
Proper ways to socialize
For those who had a doubt.
Sometimes when I do publish
Things of that ilk I see
That someone gets offended
But this time it was me.
I read my writing quickly,
The slowly read again,
Appalled by what I’d written
With my figurative pen.
I got so mad I punched myself
Then sued myself. Outrageous!
Stay six feet away from yourself;
Stupidity’s contagious!
Filed under Poems
If you say “Hi”
And get no reply
It could be no one heard you.
If you say “Hi”
And they say “Die”
It’s likely they’ve abjured you.
If you say “Hi”
And they ask “Why?”
Then now’s your time to talk,
And if, to “Hi”
They only sigh
Perhaps you’d better walk.
Filed under Poems
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
Margaret died and stood by God
And looked on all there was:
An ageless, endless universe
With countless lives abuzz,
Singing songs that never stop
In perfect harmony
And Margaret said, “They must be sad
“To be there without me!”
Filed under Poems
At 5:00 AM I woke up
And went for a three-mile run.
At 6:00 AM I wrote a love note
To my honeybun.
At 7:00 AM I had breakfast:
Gold-plated caviar.
At 1:20 PM I lied in a poem
And that’s my day so far!
Filed under Poems
In Japan they make cartoons
With people named Jojo or Light…
And even though they’re Japanese
The characters are all white…
But when we film an adaptation
Fans of the original are mad
Because we only hired white actors
And, apparently, that’s bad?
Filed under Poems
As we wander, wounded,
Through the world of time and space
We can lie horizontally
With a pillow in our face
And reset the weary burdens
We have gained throughout the day,
Except whenever I try to do so
My brain wakes up to play…
Filed under Poems
I haven’t been touched like that for a while,
Long enough to forget the taste of a smile,
‘Cause who needs love when you’re in denial anyway?
I couldn’t tell you about my best friend,
Haven’t written letters that I want to send.
What good are people when the world is ending anyway?
Even though I know I lived through the past
I can’t remember when I forgot time last.
Why can’t the years alone go by so fast anyway?
I haven’t been touched like that for a while,
Was living in a life marching single file
‘Cause who needs love when you’re in denial anyway?
Thanks for listening even when it’s tough.
A lot of people need to say this kind of stuff.
Now I feel and I hope that I’ve said enough.
Anyway…
Her hobbies are dressing provocatively
Then adding a dog’s nose and ears,
Posting pictures of asses to inspire the masses
That love’s always stronger than fears.
My hobbies are murdering aliens
And playing professional ball,
Though I sometimes relax by swinging an ax
And sometimes by catching ’em all.
Filed under Poems
I saw an omen in the night.
I said, “You’re bad.”
It said, “You’re right.”
You say you saw the omen too.
You said, “You’re good.”
It said, “That’s true.”
I asked the omen, “How is it
“To them you’re great,
“To me you’re shit?”
The omen smiled and replied
“I choose to be
“What you decide.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 