Tag Archives: poems

Al Capone, Libertarian

I ask you now to wonder

On the act of taking plunder

And on pirate-like behavior as a whole:

How does someone with a flag

Holding out a taxman’s bag

Compare to vagrants charging travelers a toll?

And what of other you’s and me’s

Traveling on the seven seas

When a Jolly Roger pulls their cannon out

And says “give us what you’ve got

“Or you’ll probably get shot.”

That’s what piracy and taxes are about!

Now sure, our brand of takers

Cheer beside you for the Lakers

And send you notes before they pull their gun

But they are not made less like Smeagol

Just because their theft is legal

And their pre-audit demeanor is more fun.

I’m not afraid to call BS

On our nation’s IRS.

Now excuse me, for I must go on the run.

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If I’d Written This Ten Years Ago I’d Be A Prophet

As Booth did to Lincoln

And school did to fun

I fear that to music

Will quite soon be done.

If you flip the radio

(Or whichever app’s in now)

You’ll find to enunciate

Is practically sin now.

To play any chords

Besides 1, 5, 6, and 4

Makes the average listener

Call such songs a snore

And no matter the genre

You will find bits of rap.

Yes I fear that all music

Will soon become crap.

Is there a solution

To pop music’s decline?

If so, leave a comment.

If not, I’ll just whine.

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[(e^ x pi)^2] x 32/8 Poems About Stephen Hawking

He inspired T-Pain’s voice

And Kristen Stewart’s face.

He inspired the customer service line

For JPMorgan Chase.

He’s inspired Chuck Norris’s costars

And how my face looks when I kiss.

He inspired Kaepernick’s anthem quote:

“I will not stand for this.”

——————————————————–

Stephen Hawking read a book

About how to improve his look.

A little rouge and some eyeliner…

He was a brief history of sublimer!

——————————————————–

If Stephen Hawking gained some weight

And higher mass increases gravitational pull

Would fat Stephen Hawking be more attractive?

(And you thought physics was dull)!

——————————————————–

Stephen Hawking lit himself on fire

To experience how burning feels.

He gained a greater understanding

And a new nickname: Hot Wheels

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Gender Studies Major Seeking Employment

My IQ is 99.

My height is five-foot-three.

My GPA was 1.8

When I earned my PhD.

I’m not a total nincompoop,

Just a little slow.

If you ever need a nincompee

I’m free. Just let me know!

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Storytelling, PhD Style

Once upon a time

There was a noncommittal grunt

That lurked within the throat

Of a rather stuck up… woman.

One day it emerged

And then vanished into thin air.

There’s some backstory and lore as well

But I figure you don’t care.

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The NO-bel Prize

I think we need a Nobel Prize

For folks who do not stand out.

If you’ve never heard of someone

Then they would deserve this handout.

We’d make a list of everyone

Who’ve done anything in their life

Then send somebody not on that list

A small prize, like a knife.

That winner would not be informed

Of the significance of the prize,

Nor would the media or public

Of the award be told likewise.

The laureate would carry on

Not doing much at all.

I think that merits an award

But, hey, that’s just my call.

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True Biology Facts

Blue whales are the biggest beasts

That ever lived on earth

Who weigh more than Drew Carey

At the moment of their birth.

They start out life as sperm whales

Then they go to whale high school

Where they get teased until they’re sad

And thus end up blue. Cool!

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