Tag Archives: Postaday

That One Episode Of Whatever Sci-Fi Show Had The Right Idea

I think we should legalize drugs

And make them free with dosage immense;

Everyone who wants drugs will be happy

And then die. I just think it makes sense!

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But In Europe, It’s Free!

I had a headache yesterday

So I went to my doc.

He said I have moderate-to-severe cephalalgia

And I need twice-daily Quperoc.

He said thanks to science

And two tablets twice a day

I would be able to ensure

My headache is gone away.

I might experience side effects

But I didn’t read the fine print.

Now I have no headache

And my skin’s a purplish tint…

I went to the doctor

With a pounding in my head.

Now I have cancer, anal fissures,

Gout, low T, and I am dead.

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Yeah… So Much For “Anything Can Happen”

There once were eight teams

With ambitions and dreams

Of competing for Super Bowl glory.

The boring teams won

And we didn’t have fun

And that’s today’s NFL story.

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Ask Me About My School Lunch Policy

If I had a peanut

For every time I had a dark thought

There we be fewer kids with allergies

And crematoriums would profit a lot.

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My Fiancee Made Me Watch A Barbie Movie

There once was a prince named Stefon

Who met a fantabulous blon

De girl with long hair

And there was love everywhere

And oh god, please rescue me! I’ve made a terrible mistake! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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Phoning This One In…

There once was a phone with low battery

That I tried to charge with some flattery.

I said, “Hey there Samsung.

“You look very well hung.”

But it died and now I can’t be chattery.

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Just Get A Liiiiittle Bit Angrier With Every Line

Sandy sand is on the beach.

I am pink just like a peach.

The sun shines on the sand and me

But I get burnt and it goes free.

I am angry at the sand

So I grab a shovel and

Stab it in its sandy bum.

Now it’s a castle and I feel dumb.

Sand is now my enemy.

I need cash but it lives free.

Sand’s just dirt, so I ask why

I must become it when I die?

The government has outlawed drugs

And pitching tents for homeless thugs

But the substance I think should be banned?

Yes! You guessed it! F***ing sand!

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Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again

Hush little baby! Don’t you cry

Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby

And all that trumpeting hurts your ears

And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…

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Seriously, His Timing Was Impeccable

There once was a beloved cat

Who thought it appropriate that

In a moment of passion

It would be in fashion

To smother my face with its fat.

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Betting On A Diamond

You couldn’t love a gambling man,

A pal who plays the odds,

Who shakes the dice and throws a wrench

In the plans of man and Gods.

You said you’d never take a chance

On a poker-faced son

But I’d bet if you took a chance

You’d find me pretty fun.

You used to ace your math exams.

You were the queen of school

But the odds weren’t in your favor

With Jack, the king of cool.

Jack would have told you “yes, of course”

If you asked him to dance

But no-go there! You didn’t dare

To take this simple chance.

So Jack’s bad luck’s my inside straight

So let me take the shot:

If you give me your hand of fate

You may just win a lot.

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