Tag Archives: Postaday

The Birds and the Seas

If you are a whale

Your parents probably sing

About how to safely do

The reproduction thing.

If you are a shark instead

The learning that’s essential

Is that some biting might be fun

As long as you are gentle.

If you’re in a school of fish

You’ll probably be fine

Unless you can puke out your guts

And your skin is covered in spines

Because if you’re the sea cucumber

It is my belief

You’re in a bit of danger

When teenage whales need relief…

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Survivor: Now vs. Then

They used to be marooned

On an island, all alone,

Without food or water

Or even a smartphone.

Now 16 survivors

Have to stay at a 2-star hotel

With only basic cable and

Non-organic hair gel.

In the old days, the survivors

Would compete in feats of strength,

Rewarded for success by an

Increase in isolation’s length.

Now they have to listen

As someone reads offensive tweets

And try as hard as possible

To not cry from their seats.

I guess the type of people

Who can live outside the city

Don’t sign up for TV shows

And I think that’s a pity.

Now excuse me as I watch

Carsten, Miracle, and Regan

Compete for who goes longest

Without saying “I’m a vegan.“

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This Haiku Says It All

I coughed on someone

Who got their Covid vaccine.

Why are they worried?

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Zombies in the Movies

I think zombies are romantic

And want to woo each other

With a dinner and a movie

Before they meet their partner’s mother

But the zombies get so busy

With the “having dinner part”

That they never get to see a piece

Of cinematic art.

If we give a discount

To the undead, I suspect

There will be a sharp decrease

In the number of lives they wrecked.

We need to get our zombies

To fulfill their hearts’ desires

So welcome them with open arms

Instead of killing them with fires.

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Ode To A Misplaced Pineapple

Some days you are happy

And some days not so much,

Like when you’re buying groceries

Like bread and fruit and such,

And you put a bag down

And unbeknownst to you

A pineapple falls out upon

A chair not in your view.

Later, when you’re tired

From putting food away

You sigh and stretch and yawn

And then you murmur, “What a day.”

Some days you are miserable;

Some days you sing and dance.

Today I did both, for I sat without thinking

And also without wearing pants.

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This Poem Brought To You By Our Sponsor, “Sir Alabaster Thoroughgood”

There are only two types of men

That I have ever met:

The type who name their genitals

And the type who aren’t born yet.

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How To Win The Internet

My most popular poem has 58 likes.

Second place has just 24.

It’s caused me to think, and even consider

Just writing to please the bots more.

After all, if what gets me exposure

Is whatever the A.I. likes best

Is that not the way to become popular

And say to the world, “I’m the best?”

And that, my dear readers, is madness!

It’s crap of the highest degree,

A symptom of how the internet age

Can inspire such insanity.

Art doesn’t need to be popular;

Life doesn’t need to be flawless;

When the rules of the game are to lie, cheat, and steal

Then the answer is just to be lawless.

I’m not going to think about numbers.

I’m not going to worry about views.

I’m going to write about what makes me happy

Instead of what’s big in the news.

And if you are willing to venture

To a world where you’re thought of as “lame”

I think you’ll find what happiness comes

When you too quit the internet game.

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I Mean… It’s OK I Guess

I found an amazing solution

To everything that’s ever been bad,

A panacea that renders meaningless

Every problem that I’ve ever had.

This solution is what we call “apathy,”

And it means that you don’t give a shit.

It’s an amazing, awesome, and wonderful thing

Even though I haven’t mastered it.

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#BlackMarketsMatter

Yesterday, my neighbors

Put on a firework display

Although it was illegal,

But everyone was like, “Okay.”

And so some normal people

Broke the law, and yet someone

Still thinks that no criminals

Can buy an illegal gun…

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Independence

Today we set off tiny bombs

And cook our meat outside

To celebrate the freedom

That we’re missing nationwide.

We sing about a starry flag

And amber waves of grain

While people we dislike like tell us

To proudly wear a chain.

The news stops all-day coverage

Of outrage today to share:

“Our founding fathers owned some slaves

And why we ought to care.“

We are still the people

Who are governed with consent;

It is what the founding fathers wrote

And it is what they meant.

So as I celebrate the flag

And eat my apple pie

I’m thankful I still own myself;

I will live free or die.

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