Somebody said: Let’s make a shoe
That doesn’t have to be tied,
That you can wear for a night on the town
Or when on a horse you ride
That’s made from an alligator’s flesh
And comes with loud, stabby heels,
Plus make it the only kind of shoe
For which there are no online deals!
Filed under Poems
I’ve got dandruff on my shins…
That’s not where it goes!
Know I need some Head and Shoulders
For between my knees and toes.
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To get 8 hours of sleep at night
I do whatever it takes,
By which I mean taking 10-minute naps
Between my bathroom breaks.
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Twinkle twinkle little star
Way above my little car,
Shining in my optic nerve
Making me violently swerve.
Twinkle twinkle little star
On the badge of officer Barr.
I sang him “YMCA.”
Why’d he take my license away?
Twinkle twinkle little star…
Crap, I left my teeth in the car!
Filed under Poems
With persiflage they pledged
To be true what was alleged.
With mockery they both
Laid down their sacred oath.
She had money on the mind;
He had eyes on her behind.
Thus, with one all-sealing kiss
Began six days of wedded bliss.
Filed under Poems
Men want to talk about grape yogurt.
Women want to talk about patriarchy.
Men like talking about grape culture.
Feminists dislike the letter “G.”
Filed under Poems
I saw horses running
With humans on their backs.
I said, “Now there’s an animal
“We’ve not made into snacks.
“They’re gorgeous and majestic
“And possess a lightning speed,”
But the one kid eating glue
Silently disagreed.
Filed under Poems
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
That dress is fine
For cosplaying Shamu.
Filed under Poems
A hero stood and spoke the truth,
Was called unwise, uncool, uncouth,
Was thrown out by the ruling men
But in the streets he spoke again.
His home was burned, his name was mocked,
His faith was tested, his world was rocked.
He was left penniless in shame
But when he spoke, he spoke the same.
He watched as liars took control,
Saw how untruths extract their toll.
The Earth collapsed beneath a word,
While the truth was spoken, yet unheard.
Left with no ground to stand upon,
When everything he loved was gone,
The Earth was ash, but still he stood;
He was the only one who would.
But from the ash a flower grew,
A cloud allowed the sunshine through,
A bird sang out a cheerful song
And the hero saw that he was wrong:
Life was good, so broken-hearted
The hero silently departed.
Filed under Poems
I hit my brother
And hit my mother.
It was not okay.
They said “Don’t hit.”
I said “No shit”
And hit them anyway.
Cops saw the fight,
Turned on their light,
And hit me in the gut.
So hitting’s okay
With the government’s say?
And I was all like “Wut?”
I hit the cop
And hit my pop
With my inflatable hammer.
They cuffed my wrists
To stop my fists
And shut me in the slammer.
I was in jail
‘Cause no one paid bail
And was charged in juvenile court.
I can’t write a sentence
But I’ll attempt repentance
And maybe build a fort.
Filed under Poems
Some days I stay up too late…
Like right now. (It’s 11:38)
Thanks to my late bedtimes
I’ve kept up with daily rhymes
And not yet inspired your hate.
Filed under Poems
