Tag Archives: Spiders

A Man Has ArachNeeds

I spent weeks building my mansion,

A perfect family house

Where I can raise my children.

Despite my lack of a spouse.

But then you came and ruined it,

Just smashed it with your face

And then you said it’s my fault?

You’re a great disgrace!

It took me lots of time and silk

To spin my home, and sure

It’s exactly at eye-level for you

And right on your front door…

But still! You should apologize!

What’s that? You won’t? Well then

I guess I’ll have to get revenge

By crawling on you when you sleep again…

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Spiders

Did you feel that on your head,

In the shower and your bed,

On the ceilings and the wall,

Skittering at the start of Fall?

Did you feel those hairy feet

And venomous mandibles that eat

The other monstrous hairy things

That fly about on silver wings?

Did you see the spiders skitter,

There oh-so-many eyes a glitter?

I saw one last night in town

Which is why I burned the city down.

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Male Black Widow Problems

Today is Friday night.

I’m with my darling wife.

We’re gonna have some crazy sex

‘Cause I am done with life.

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No Problem Officer… I Handled It

There once was a spider in my room

That met a most violent doom.

Other spiders said “Yahoo!

“Let’s all go there too!”

And that’s why my shotgun went boom.

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The Enemy of My Enemy

You might be afraid of tigers.

You might run away from a bear,

But when a spider on your ceiling

Can give you such a scare

Think of the microscopic guy

Who made the spider hide up there!

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DEFENSELESS FOOLS!!!

People are trying to ban firearms

As if they could assume

That they wouldn’t need a gun

If a spider came in their room…

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The Circle Of Life

Beneath the cloudless golden sky of Summer,

Atop the countless rainbow leaves of Fall,

In the stinging hail and drifting snow of Winter,

I lived happily ever after after all.

And in the rains and flowery winds of Springtime

When life, besieged by Winter comes to mend,

I find a big ass spider in my shower

And the fairy tale (and spider’s life) must end.

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About Your Pet Spider…

If you tell me to take care of

A monster with eight eyes

I hope you won’t be unhappy

When it inevitably dies.

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Texas Nursery Rhymes

The itsy-bitsy spider

Climbed up the water spout.

Down came the fist!

It’s guts went spilling out.

Out came the kleenex

To wipe the guts away

And the not-so-puny human

Just went on with his day.

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Widow Lives Matter

Even though her legs are hairy

She’s still beautiful.

Just because her jaw is wide

Doesn’t make her unfeminine.

I don’t love her any less

Just because she has eight legs,

Thirty-seven eyes,

And mandibles to store venom in.

I don’t mind her bug-eating thing

Or her webs around the house,

Her association with evil

And summoning of bad lucks.

The only real area

Where her allure could be improved

Is the part where she kills and eats me

After every time she… well shucks.

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