Did you feel that on your head,
In the shower and your bed,
On the ceilings and the wall,
Skittering at the start of Fall?
Did you feel those hairy feet
And venomous mandibles that eat
The other monstrous hairy things
That fly about on silver wings?
Did you see the spiders skitter,
There oh-so-many eyes a glitter?
I saw one last night in town
Which is why I burned the city down.
Filed under Poems
Today is Friday night.
I’m with my darling wife.
We’re gonna have some crazy sex
‘Cause I am done with life.
Filed under Poems
There once was a spider in my room
That met a most violent doom.
Other spiders said “Yahoo!
“Let’s all go there too!”
And that’s why my shotgun went boom.
Filed under Poems
You might be afraid of tigers.
You might run away from a bear,
But when a spider on your ceiling
Can give you such a scare
Think of the microscopic guy
Who made the spider hide up there!
Filed under Poems
People are trying to ban firearms
As if they could assume
That they wouldn’t need a gun
If a spider came in their room…
Filed under Poems
Beneath the cloudless golden sky of Summer,
Atop the countless rainbow leaves of Fall,
In the stinging hail and drifting snow of Winter,
I lived happily ever after after all.
And in the rains and flowery winds of Springtime
When life, besieged by Winter comes to mend,
I find a big ass spider in my shower
And the fairy tale (and spider’s life) must end.
Filed under Poems
If you tell me to take care of
A monster with eight eyes
I hope you won’t be unhappy
When it inevitably dies.
Filed under Poems
The itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the water spout.
Down came the fist!
It’s guts went spilling out.
Out came the kleenex
To wipe the guts away
And the not-so-puny human
Just went on with his day.
Filed under Poems
Even though her legs are hairy
She’s still beautiful.
Just because her jaw is wide
Doesn’t make her unfeminine.
I don’t love her any less
Just because she has eight legs,
Thirty-seven eyes,
And mandibles to store venom in.
I don’t mind her bug-eating thing
Or her webs around the house,
Her association with evil
And summoning of bad lucks.
The only real area
Where her allure could be improved
Is the part where she kills and eats me
After every time she… well shucks.
Filed under Poems
I see a little spider
Crawling up my leg.
A part of me is screaming!
It wants to plead and beg,
But as the beast gets closer
My mind begins to clear
And I realize that, in this spider,
I have nothing to fear.
And so I watch her scuttle
From my ankle to my knee.
My two green eyes watch her
And her eight black eyes watch me,
And as our eyes make contact
I feel our spirits join.
The spider and I are friends now
As she crawls over my groin.
The spider meets my pelvis.
She passes o’er my hips.
Where once they brought me horror
Her eyes could now sink ships.
Her silky brunette body
Tempts me towards an unnamed sin
And I find myself attracted
To a patch that looks like a violin.
The spider now is crawling
Onto my left pectoral
And my mind’s engaged in matters
Of arrangements marital and floral.
She crawls onto my neck now,
Her gorgeous eyes the size of fleas.
She’s nearly to my head now
And I’m nearly on my knees.
She crawls onto my soul patch
And one of her footies slips.
I catch it and replace it
And she crawls onto my lips.
A kiss! A kiss! How lovely
As her mandibles meet mine.
I slip off into a restful sleep
As on me she starts to dine.
I don’t wake up that evening,
Nor tomorrow, nor the next,
Yet dead and cold as I may be
I do not feel vexed.
So when you see such spiders
In their web or in their lair
Instead of giving them the Kleenex
Try to show them that you care.
For though you’ll never meet them
On account of being desiccated
Your eyes will fill with baby spiders
To which you just might be related.
The babies ask “where’s daddy?”
And mommy spider’ll have a chat
And then they’ll go find love like us.
What’s more beautiful than that?
Filed under Lyrics
The Daily Travesty 