750 pounds
Of animated lard
Who beats the crap out of little girls
And thinks it’s really hard.
He does a six-foot vertical jump
And a pirouette in the air.
Now I need to insert coins…
Life sure isn’t fair.
Tag Archives: Postaday
Just Because I Can’t Take It With Me Doesn’t Justify Your Shenanigans, Kevin!
If I were to die tomorrow
And my body just rotted away
And I lived as a ghost
With no body for a host
Even though I never got all old and gray
I would be irked. That’s certain.
But I think that as I crossed the bridge
From Earth to Hell or Heaven
I’d think of my roommate Kevin
And hope he wouldn’t steal my food out of the fridge.
Filed under Poems
But He Pronounced It Like “Hwipped”
Cream’s wife asked him
To go to the store.
Cream’s wife’s husband obeyed
Without asking what for.
Cream’s wife’s husband’s friend
Saw how the scales tipped
And he said to cream
“My God man, you’re whipped!”
‘Cause Like Wow And Stuff
You know that thing
Where everything’s
Like dude and stuff’s like whoa?
Well today was that
But like yo and stuff.
How did your day go?
Filed under Poems
This Snowman Had An Unusual Dream; You Won’t Believe His Request To Humanity!
I am an April snowman,
The last one of my kind.
My death is unavoidable
But honestly I don’t mind.
Death as I perceive it
Ain’t as bad as it might seem
Since to be a soggy carrot
Has, since childhood, been my dream.
Alas, I’m in Alaska
In the yukon, year-tound cold.
I’ve been around since Lincoln
Or so the story’s told.
My dreams seem unachievable
And thus I beg of you:
Please defund the EPA
And emit that CO2!
Filed under Poems
Perfection’s Exception
The rules say nothing’s perfect,
That all things have their flaws,
But I’m pretty sure that pancakes
Always disobey such laws.
The other perfect things
As my reckoning would go
Are unfixed wrestling matches
And Las Vegas’ August snow.
Since the things I mentioned
More than likely don’t exist
I rest my case for pancakes.
(Let me know if there’s something I missed).
Filed under Poems
Mr. Mediocre Picks His Weekend Companions
Some people are winners,
Champions, doers,
Cheerful, successful,
Real woo-hooers.
Some people get up
At 5:00 am every day
And go run a mile,
Cut some wood, write a play.
Some people become
The world’s best at their craft.
They’re prom kings and queens
Who’re picked first in the draft.
And then there are people
Who are dumb, weak, and stout
And for self-esteems sake
They’re with whom I’ll hang out.
Filed under Poems
I Like The Tender Types
I flipped a coin. It landed heads.
I flipped again. It landed tails.
One or the other every time-
It is a trick that never fails.
I asked eight girls “wanna do it?”
Four of the girls thought it was funny
The others got a guy to dent my skull.
This is why people are attracted to money.
Filed under Poems
Warning: This Poem Contains Homophonic Content. Reader Discretion Is Advised
I paid for the Italian festival,
A fair fair fare.
They had many exhibitions
Like a rare bare bear.
But when I tried to exit
I found myself trapped
By some drummers- a snare snare.
My pants almost were crapped
But thankfully I hadn’t
Eaten in the recent past
For just a short time.
‘Twas quite a fast fast.
My pants uncrapped, I
Did home in on my home
It was a long way away
As I’d been roamin’ in Rome.
I ran past the drummers
With a minimal fight.
The road forked three ways
But I took the right right.
They pursued me with insects,
Their mightiest mites
For several bishopy evenings
And several more knighty nights.
No, the fair wasn’t fair,
Nor was it even even
But I bested their best
And escaped without grievin’.
In the end I lost money,
But it was a fine fine
‘Cause the memories will last
Longer than the lion line.
Filed under Poems
When/If I Find Love
I reserved us a table
At Chez Fantastique,
Unparalleled class,
Unquestionably chic.
I wanted to give
Only the best to you,
But alas with me
Guess a dinner will do.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 