Tag Archives: Postaday

Political Commentary < Forced Cheese Puns

When all was young

In the beginning

There was a big cheese

And we called it a king.

But the cheese was too big

For the peasants’ humble stomachs.

Though they had many plans

The situation continued to flummox.

So they cut up the king,

(Figuratively, of course)

And imposed their own rule

Through riot-based force.

Instead of a king

Who can do as he pleases

They had a republic

Of many smaller cheeses.

Yes, the peasants were the first

Of the modern free-staters.

They made cheeses smaller

And, thus, the cheese grater.

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Thanks Evil Empire!

I went to a church

Not confident one bit

About appropriate places

For me to sit.

Then a stormtrooper came

And yelled “pew, pew, pew!”

I am so very grateful

That now I know what to do!

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Something’s Fishy… And Also Gummy

If you teach men to fish

You’ll feed them forever,

But I find that sometimes

It’s a fruitless endeavor.

I taught fishing in Sweden

But to my dismay

They were still eating candy

The very next day.

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Apocalypse? Not Now!

Apocalypse’s horsemen

Were riding home one night

When the BMW of depression

Passed them on the right.

“I think we’re now outdated,”

Said Famine to his peers

So they let the horses loose

And went out to get some beers.

The horses ran to far off lands

Where they could eternally play,

And some lucky Harley-Davidson salesman

Got four new customers today.

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The Personified Double-Negative

Tyrants will be tyrants.

Braggarts will be braggarts.

These statements are self-evident

And fear no refutation.

Logicians will be logical.

Artists will be artistic.

So do or do not contrarians

Deserve their reputation?

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Onomatopoeia

There are certain words

That are written like they sound

Life “oof” and “pow” and “shimmer.”

They really do abound.

Then there are things that make no sound

Like plants and orange and schisms

Which would make great onomatapoeias.

That’s the case with “colloquialisms.”

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If The Shoe Fits…

I lived a life of luxury.

I thought I had it all

Until I met my true love

At the climactic royal ball.

Her dress had such a shimmer,

Like her slippers made of glass.

Her smile moved a mountain

And OMG dat ass!

We danced ’til past eleven

Before she fled into the night

Leaving my heart in tatters

And a slipper in her flight.

I picked up the glassy remnant

Of the girl who once was mine

And tried it on. Who would’ve guessed

We both wore a lady’s size 9?

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How Else Would You Pass The Time When You’re All Tied-Up, Half-Naked, And Waiting For Rescue?

I bet that back in elder days,

When dragons roamed the sky

And virgins all got kidnapped

To be rescued by some guy

That said virgins played a game

Where, in a future land,

They were ordinary citizens

Who love they did demand

From virgins playing games

In which they acted like a knight

Rescuing imaginary virgins

Kidnapped by dragons. Am I right?

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I Just Rattled This One Off… Hope It Wasn’t Too Boa-ring!

The snake was made uncomfortable

And it gave a gasp.

You might say it experienced

A pain in the asp.

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Announcing: Tepid Gruel!

Hello readers! Today I’m excited to announce my next book, “Tepid Gruel and other short poems you probably shouldn’t read but will because you’re already looking at this book so, hey, why not?”

Below is the title poem from the book. I hope you enjoy because I’m proud and excited to share it with you and also because I’m very poor and want you to buy the book when it comes out. 🙂



I’m launching a new cologne line

I think is pretty cool

Inspired by the “adequate.”

I call it “Tepid Gruel.”

It smells like tap water, limp white bread,

And past-its-prime shampoo.

It makes a statement, as if to say

“I’m alright… how are you?”

Critics are calling it “fine, I guess,”

“Non-threateningly bland,”

“An understudy’s ideal scent,”

“Inconsequential, thus not panned.”

So if you’re worried you might be liked

Or noticed in a way

Be sure to spritz on some Tepid Gruel

Before you start your day!

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