I think April Fool’s Day
Is a fantastic plan.
What better month than April
To celebrate the average man?
Tag Archives: Postaday
Tell Me With A Straight Face This Is Better Than My Usual Crap… I Dare You
While in the misty sunrise
The cooing birds
Smile like butterflies
So I made weak
By trickling hearts
Dot my i’s
With scarlet
Just kidding
I dot them in green
Filed under Poems
Why Not Celebrate The Already Well-Loved?
April is national poetry month.
February was the month of black history.
How they pick what’s special for each given month
Is, to me, a bit of a mystery.
If I were in charge of month-topic picking
I’d pick something everyone loves
Like the national month of ice-cream and sex…
Either that or elbow-length gloves.
Filed under Poems
My Vegan Arsenal Begins
I went to the dollar store
To buy a concealable weapon.
Something with menace
From a gangster from Venice,
But a gun or knife I didn’t want to be schleppin’.
So discount Dominic
Sold me a satisfactory piece:
It weighs but an ounce
And helps when I pounce.
Ever seen some grass knuckles like these?
Filed under Poems
Credibility?
I saw an ad for a psychiatrist.
His reviews said “he’s magnificent.”
I needed a psychiatrist
And so to his place I went.
I told him how my father
Left my mother when I was young,
How I suffered from a crippling fear
Of swallowing my tongue,
Of how I had anxiety,
Social and miscellaneous,
And until now had found talking
About my feelings to be extraneous.
The magnificent psychiatrist
Listened closely to my fear,
Then he said “I’ve found the problem…
“It’s this coin behind your ear.”
And as he drew a quarter
From where my lobe and auricle met
His other hand gave me a bill
And the shrink said “you’re all set.”
I left his office happier…
That I can say for sure.
I can also say with certainty
I won’t be using Yelp no more.
Filed under Poems
Why I’m Waiting To Write That Essay
Mighty is the sword
And mighty is the pen:
If both of these are true
It’s safe to conclude then
The mightiest tool of all
Is the one and only Swordpen.
It writes with the blood
Of those it slays.
It’s Swordpenned many novels
And poems and plays.
It’s the only writing implement
With a crossguard I know.
It’s good with the ladies.
It’s middle name is “Bro.”
I wish I had a Swordpen.
It would be a cool thing to own.
Alas, the only swordpen
Is stuck in a Pencilstone.
Filed under Poems
The Power Plant
They asked me “where’s the power plant?”
I pointed towards the woods
And they set out to find it
And claim its electric goods.
They asked me “where’s the power plant?”
And went off to the forest.
Now I picture them and laugh
‘Cause me they must abhorest.
They asked me “where’s the power plant?”
I pointed to the oaks,
The tow’ring cedar, stalwart maple,
Not intending it as a hoax.
They asked me “where’s the power plant?”
I pictured a mighty tree
Because a hundred feet of hardwood
Is a powerful plant to me.
If I Order A Bacon Cheeseburger In Canada What Will I Get?
Is bacon in Canada
Canadian bacon?
Is a pig in Guinea
A guinea pig?
Is this issue important
Like I seem to be makin’
Or is it an issue
Not nearly so big?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 