When in the Summer
Humid, hot,
You’re AC’s working…
Wait, it’s not.
You’re sweating, panting,
Hope has died,
Your thoughts have turned
To homicide…
My days are filled
With thoughts like these.
Can you believe
It’s 78 degrees?
Tag Archives: Postaday
Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor
A religious type of joke
Is often what offends
An amazing group of people’s
Imaginary friends.
I will mock all religions
In this poem I now write
Except, or course, for Islam
‘Cause I’m flammable and white.
I saw a gay pride event
As I was walking to my car.
They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church
So the priests needn’t walk too far.
I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke
And so I took a stab. I
Think they might have laughed had I
Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.
I met a “spiritual but not religious”
Person just the other day.
I asked them “is my latte ready?”
They said “yes, now go away.”
I’m not sure about Agnostics.
If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.
The Buddhists suffer eternally
Whether or not they read this poem.
I want to end with one last joke
To make you giggle or scoff:
Don’t get circumcised on a budget
‘Cause it might be a rip off.
Yes, And: Suicide Prevention
I said to my therapist
“I want to end it all,
To solve all of my problems
With a gun and/or a fall.”
My therapist nodded grimly,
Stared up at the ceiling fan,
And said “well, you’ve convinced me.
Thanks a million, man!”
In the end, I didn’t kill myself,
As nice as that would be
‘Cause when I die another problem
Will be waiting there for me.
Filed under Poems
Best Wishes From Everything You’ve Ever Signed
I lay in bed one humid eve
When through the window came
A mysterious hooded figure
With neither face nor name.
He tied me to my bedframe,
Shaved my head and ate my food,
Downloaded my shopping preferences
And data about my mood.
He stole my cash and passwords
And he burned all my receipts
Then showed me banner advertisements
For Sprint and flannel sheets.
He listened to my phone calls
And sold recordings to Taiwan.
These unusual torments
Lasted all the way ’til dawn.
He changed my LinkedIn profile
And made me look inept,
Then left a calling card which said
“Read before you click Accept.”
Filed under Poems
The Kinda-Mostly-True Life of Bobby Fischer
I was a child prodigy,
A master at young age,
A Grandmaster at age seven,
A prepubescent sage.
Yet time passed by and I got old.
My skills increased as well,
Yet now that I’m a grown-up guy
I’ve lost the magic spell.
Instead of great, unique, and wise
I’m seen as “kinda lame,”
Forty years old, I’ve spent my life
Playing an old board game.
So what happened? What really changed?
Is greatness not enough?
When I was young my life was ease,
But now my life is tough?
It seems as if flying around,
Moving pawns on a board,
Winning trophies and title bouts
Is more impressive when you’re four?
Well then, screw that! I’m done with chess!
I’m moving far away
To be a scary racist hermit
And with myself I’ll play!
But now they call me back to play
A world championship game.
The cold war hinges on my success;
Such is the price of fame.
But afterwards I’m gone again
And that’s just fine with me.
My only hope’s that they will make
A movie about searching for me.
Filed under Poems
East/West > North
When I grow up
I’ll be famous and rich,
Just like the writer
Of “Lilo and Stitch.”
I’ll be a performer
Or some type of magnate.
I’ll be a leader, a champion…
It’ll be great!
Growing up’s so exciting
I’m just ready to burst!
On the other hand, maybe
I’ll grow sideways a bit first…
Filed under Poems
Three Films For The Dork Lords On Their Basement Thrones (LotR)
We’ve all seen movies
That we adore.
We’ll watch them ten times,
Then ten more!
Sure, you know it
Line for line
But that’s not boring!
That’s just fine!
These films are family,
Allies, friends.
We love their journeys
Despite familiar ends.
To love such things
Need not be wrong,
But alas, my favorites
Are 12 hours long…
Filed under Poems
Stanzas 2, Thought 0
When I moved into
The mobile home park
I thought my life
Was turning dark,
But I found pleasure
As I sought paying labors
In the form of melo-
Dramatic neighbors.
If you say “hello”
They say “Hail traveler!”
You say “I like Charizard,”
And they say “I love Graveler!”
It’s like they’re in a movie,
So although my life’s a failure
I take solace in the fact
They’re a theatrical trailer.
Filed under Poems
Post First-Date Form Letter V 1.0
In fair Verona, long ago
Lived fair Juliet and her Romeo,
Two kids who, about each other, raved
And whom better communication skills could have saved.
For in a land where alchemists
Can make you look dead if your parents are pissed
Informing your partner of your choice to partake
In such a substance is a wise choice to make,
But neh! Knowing better, the 15 year old
Pair of lovers thought the others needn’t be told.
And thus was a theatrical masterpiece born
To suffice in an era with no access to porn.
This is why I didn’t call;
I just want our love to conquer all.
Filed under Poems
