I sat six hours in a car
To go and visit somewhere far.
It didn’t rain. It didn’t snow.
I just thought you ought to know.
(Not actually my dinner).
Tag Archives: Postaday
How To Jump A Car
This poem is a preview from my upcoming book of 99 “How-To” Poems. Enjoy!
Your car won’t start?
Well, lucky you!
I envy what
You’ll get to do.
You’ll need another car
And a valiant heart.
Got both? Good!
It’s time to start.
First, get in the car
With the working battery.
Turn it on (You do that
By inserting and turning the key).
Have a friend prepare two ramps,
One on either side
Of your old dead-battery car.
Make sure they’re nice and wide.
Then drive full speed onto the ramp
And let that new car fly!
Look down, if you want, onto your old car
And pray that you don’t die.
And when you land successfully
On the other ramp, well look:
You’ve just learned to jump a car.
Aren’t you glad you bought this book?
Filed under Poems
Mirror Burns
I created a monster this weekend.
I call it “Ms. Evil Head.”
It’s like a mirror, but I gaze in it
And see your face instead.
Maybe I Should Toast It?
I was mad at my TV,
So I shot it.
My toaster was asking for it,
So it got it.
I got a not-so-smoothie,
So my blender went kablemma!
Now my gun is malfunctioning,
And I face a dilemma.
Filed under Poems
It Works For Both Parties
A hangdog and a long-faced horse
Walked into a bar.
A few hours later they both walked home
‘Cause they didn’t own a car.
They didn’t much enjoy themselves
Nor change their sorry fate.
But it was fun compared to
Watching the GOP debate.
Filed under Poems
And The Award For Best Pet Goes To…
I’ve had a lot of pets.
Okay, not really… but a few
And I tell you with conviction
That the best of them is you.
When I read my poems to goldfish,
Guppies, betas, or trout
They get neither the humor
Nor what the poem’s about.
When I read my rhymes to kitties
They bite me on the thumb.
When I read my verse to doggies…
Well, alas, they’re cute but dumb.
When I read poems to my girlfriends,
Oh sure, they laugh and smile
And beg me to be their only love,
But that’s just not my style.
But you stay with me, readers.
You are my best friend and my steed.
I’m a lucky guy to have you,
And you don’t cost much to feed.
Filed under Poems
I can’t hear you… Just some sexy music
They say iPhones have bad signal strength.
I think that’s a misconception,
Because I use a saxaphone.
Now that has bad reception!
Filed under Poems
What Is A Sunday?
if Monday was productive
It would be Tuesday instead.
If Tuesday were called “Hump day”
Maybe we’d want to get out of bed.
If the end was in sight on Wednesday
We would enjoy it more.
If after Thursday was a weekend
It would not be such a snore.
Saturday’s a Friday
During which we needn’t work,
But Sunday is what Saturday
Would be if it were a jerk.
On Sunday we do nothing
Just like on Saturday,
Except our nothing is interrupted
By our freedom sneaking away.
We’re filled to our proverbial brim
With end-of-weekend anxiety.
That is what a Sunday is,
Or maybe that’s just me.
Filed under Poems
