I think that when you die
You go up to the sky
And log in to the Heaven registry
Of those awaiting birth
Again onto the Earth.
It’s just another big bureaucracy.
You spend the days after your doom
In cloud-nine’s waiting room
With the patio salesman, Bill.
So if you have a heart attack
You’ll see why Christ has not come back,
And at this rate, he probably never will.
Filed under Poems
I went to a fancy restaurant
On the other side of Vermont.
The air outside was a silent mist,
While within was a wandering violinist.
The atmosphere was nice, for sure,
But the cliche was hard to endure.
So just once in every while
A wandering trombone would make me smile.
Filed under Poems
I went to the movies
With a hefty bag
Of detritus, garbage, and junk
Because you told me
To take out the trash.
This was the date up which I thunk.
Filed under Poems
Saw down a tree.
Chop it down with an ax.
Burn it, chainsaw it,
Send it anthrax.
There are lots of good ways
To get rid of a tree,
But hitting it with your car
Doesn’t sound smart to me.
Filed under Poems
You tell me how much time I waste
And predict my musical taste.
You hold my apps. My photos too.
Where would “i” be without you.
You give me guidance when I’m lost.
You’re worth my monthly data cost.
When I’m lonely on the road
I swipe to wake you and enter my code
And there I am! Right back at home.
In a pinch, you’re a mirror for my comb.
You light the darkness, check my mail,
Encourage me to “play again” when I fail.
You’ll be with me night and day.
To all your thoughts I’ll click OK.
So phone of mine, I cannot lie:
You are the Apple of my “i.”
Filed under Poems
I wanted to collect butterflies,
But mom and dad said no.
I said “I’ll collect margarin flies instead.”
I sure told them so!
So here I’m sitting with my net
Wondering “where did they all go?”
Filed under Poems
I wanted fried rice
At a very low price
Because I was poor and young.
What other excuse
Would I have for the use
Of a menu from “Meow Tse Tung.”
Filed under Poems
A monocle, a violin,
A fancy tailcoat.
I held a tray the British way
And never did I gloat.
A ball and chain, a little cot,
A fancy jumpsuit too.
Everyone thinks I’m guilty,
And I bet that you do too.
So now I’m serving “Chef’s Surprise”
In the prisoners’ cafe.
And with each bow I think of how
To escape, the British way.
Filed under Poems
Hi there partner!
I’m Sheriff Steve.
I like riding on my pony
To deter those who thieve.
I only carry a gun
For shooting bottles at the quarry,
But if that makes you nervous
Then I assure you, do not worry.
Because Sheriff Steve has other ways
Of detaining unlawful sorts:
A friendly smile, a stern “now, now,”
And some more witty retorts.
There’s little crime in this town of mine
So I’m doing a good job.
These were the last words of Sheriff Steve
As he greeted Outlaw Bob.
Filed under Poems
Creatures from the valley
And monsters of the sky
Meet once a year to celebrate
Somewhere around Shanghai.
They talk about their differences
And play some volleyball
And dance around a shooting star
And drink until last call.
Then they find a human folk
And roast them o’er the flame,
Because they’re monsters after all;
To not do so would be lame.
And having eaten, sinned, and all
They fly and dig back home.
Dad said that’s where mama went.
He read it in a tome.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 