My heart skips a beat
As our bodies intertwine,
Her hands on my shoulders,
Her lips locked in mine.
Somewhere a small voice
Says “you can’t do that here,”
But my eyes meet my love
And away goes my fear.
Our clothes are all gone
And we get on our way.
The little voice speaks
But I shove it away.
The air fills with moaning,
With screams of my name.
Our love is the water,
Our passion a flame!
After what seems a lifetime
Our forms pull away.
I hope the rec center
Will let us come back some day.
Filed under Poems
Discretion is a virtue
For which some have a knack.
Alas, it seems my roommate
In this department oft does lack.
I too must use discretion
When I lay upon his pillow
Subtle ads for soundproofing
And houses for rent on Zillow.
His endurance is remarkable
As much as his discretion.
He can “dance” for 90 minutes
Split into 60 micro-sessions.
I thought about live-tweeting
My compatriot’s loving dance
But by the time I’d typed my password
I’d already lost my chance.
Now in addition to discretion
Temperance I must display
To avoid sending him this poem
About his “bet you can’t have just one” lays.
You might call that passive-aggressive
And Dear Reader you’d be right.
I’ll ponder such implications
As I’m live-tweeting tonight.
Filed under Poems
I saw her in a shady bar
And decided to go a step too far.
I invited her out into my car
Beneath the full white moon.
We did about what you’d expect.
It was so wrong yet so correct.
We surely were not circumspect
And afterwards slept ’til noon.
And when at twelve I done awoke
I very nearly had a stroke
For beside me was a bearded bloke
Where before there’d been a lady.
That moment’s when I’d realize
That full white moon caused the disguise.
I’d fallen prey to a Werewoman’s lies.
Now the bars I go to are less shady.
Filed under Poems
So many people live like eggs
It’s almost not okay.
Their only goal is, like an egg,
To get laid every day.
Filed under Poems
If you aim to please a woman:
If you aim to please a woman
In the daytime or the night
You must have the understanding
That you will do nothing right.
Women come in all varieties,
Not unlike an apple.
They’re made of the best stuff on Earth
Just like a can of Snapple.
But like a can of Snapple
With the label torn away,
You don’t know what you’ll be getting.
Don’t worry, that’s okay.
If you aim to please a man:
Take off your clothes.
Get out of those
Garments that were “Get in its.”
Then lay on back,
Hope that it’s black,
And enjoy the next three minutes.
Filed under Poems
Money’s not a good way
To get her in the sack,
But it’s pretty darn effective
If you want to buy a snack.
Filed under Poems
I’m better at sex
Than I am at sports.
It’s really very clear
Since I’m lightyears away
From the MBA
But half a foot from a porn-star career.
Filed under Poems
Her smile was wide as a toothpick
And her face glowed like a new moon
When she opened my birthday gift
And discovered I’d given her a spoon.
Her words were clean as a dumpster,
Thanking me like a wrecking ball.
For the next few weeks we had sex like mushrooms,
By which I mean no sex at all.
But I think she still loves me regardless
And I’m still in love with my wife.
But both of us are happy as clams that
I chose not to buy her a knife.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 