Microsoft had a Magic 8-Ball
And shook it every day
To get ideas for products
Based on what it had to say.
For Word, the ball said “Signs point to yes.”
For Powerpoint, it said “You should.”
But the message they most took to heart
Was “Outlook not so good.”
Filed under Poems
Still no one has tried
Giving coffee to the sloths.
Science, what the #%**?
Filed under Poems
Ride on! Ride on brave warriors!
To doom and glory ye harken.
Your hope burns bright though every night
And day the skies doth darken.
Ride on! Ride on our guardians
To wherever you might go
For someone hath misused my pronouns
And their error to them you must show.
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You ask me if there is a god
And I say that I hope not
For I have traveled o’er the world
And many treasures sought
Yet behind every waterfall
I found just rocky flat.
Who would wish a god exists
Who makes a world like that?
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At the Battle of Thermopylae
480 BC
299 Spartans
Marched to meet Xerxes.
Meanwhile, Jeffichus the imprecise
Was tasked with taking the minutes
Instead of marching into war
‘Cause it’s close enough to 300, innit?
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As I drive down the highway
I see dozens of signs:
Slower
Traffic
Keep
Right
Right
Lane
Ends
Adopt a
Highway
Litter
Control
And I think to myself
“These sign writers are overdoing the enjambment.”
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School is super awesome
‘Cause you get to go to class
And get yelled at by the teacher
‘Cause you’re super full of sass
And you get to ride a yellow bus
And eat mystery meat
In a gym full of 400 kids
And 800 smelly feet.
You get to learn a lot of stuff
Like math and reading books
And people whisper behind your back
And give you funny looks
And they legally can’t kick you out
If you try hard not to pass
And yes, I’m 48-years-old
And never late for class.
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“What do you want for your birthday?”
So many have asked this of me,
Yet I still have zero doomsday devices
And seventy-two graphic tees…
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If we throw the politicians
Into the holy volcano of K’raxx’iss
We’ll either ensure a bountiful harvest
Or pay a lot less in taxes.
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Back to school is near…
Then, when kids are back in class
Pumpkin spice returns.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 