I wanted to play hockey
And be like a Canuck.
I settled for air hockey
But I didn’t have a puck.
A lot of you tuned out of the story
Because the last rhyme might be (from the record struck)
And for those of you who think that
Too bad! You’re out of luck.
(Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk)
Filed under Poems
If you have offspring
And they are not Satan’s toys
Then you don’t know your kids
(Or you children aren’t boys).
If the latter is true
Well, it gets better dude!
If your children are girls…
I’m sorry, you’re screwed.
Filed under Poems
A minute with me
Is an hour in Heaven,
But no woman will know
‘Cause I’m five-foot-eleven.
Filed under Poems
“Let he who is without fault
Cast the first stone.”
-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners
“Just because my path is different
“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
-Traditional Male Excuse
“Even though I walk
“Through the darkest valley
“I will fear no evil
“For you are with me.”
-Man With Concealed Handgun License
“Faith can move mountains.”
-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother
“There’s something about a woman
“With a loud mind
“Who sits in silence, smiling
“Knowing she can crush you
“With the truth.”
-Some hoe, probably
Filed under Uncategorized
All-purpose is white.
Whole wheat is gray.
I misspelled “flower”
But kept writing anyway.
Filed under Poems
If in the glade that no one hears
There falls a silent tree
One asks oneself: Would a hipster
Try to buy the tree’s CD?
Given the same scenario
Of the silent fallen tree
How long would they call it racist
On MSNBC?
Filed under Poems
There once was a man named Jared Russ
Who was fond of munching canned asparagus.
He ate it all the time
But for lack of a rhyme
Often said things were Ceteris Parabus.
Filed under Poems
“My wife needs more pillows.”
“That mullet looks great!”
“Soccer’s exciting.”
“The world needs more hate.”
“Pink armpit hair’s hot.”
“I got a job with my arts degree.”
“I wish that I had gotten caught.”
“I really, super don’t have to pee.”
“I really hate inner tubes.”
“That was a great United flight.”
“She’d look better with smaller boobs.”
“The valedictorian’s getting laid tonight!”
Filed under Poems
Bigger is better in terms of pianos,
4×4’s, salaries, and dicks.
But smaller is better in the eyes of go-getters
When it comes to the waist size of chicks.
——————————————————–
Bigger is better, the man would insist
When it comes to masculine stuff
Because those said men have never had things
That were, in our eyes, big enough.
Filed under Poems
The roses are dead.
The violets are too.
Someone swapped the water
With adhesive glue.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 