Tag Archives: Philosophy

Three Philosophies Best Spoken Rapidly And Without Breathing…

Some monastic people say that if you can forgo enough

That you can lose the urge to call some other people “bro” and stuff.

To do this is a sort of psychologicalish double-bluff

That, if applied correctly, leaves you feeling rather strong and tough.

On the other hand our non-monastic colleagues like to say

Pursuing earthly pleasures is, to happiness, a surer way

And that forgoing stuff is very (insert synonym for gay)

And that, through your indulgences, you’re guaranteed to feel okay.

I am of a middle-ground, a kind of tertiary school

For those who think that happiness comes not from being tough or cool

But that the key unlocking all the treasures of this happy stuff

Is “Everything is perfect if you keep your standards low enough.”

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Why Philosophers Don’t Flirt (Cogito Ergo Sumthin’)

I saw Descartes sitting at the bar.

I asked “Can I buy you a beer?”

Descartes replied “I think not,”

Then I watched him disappear.

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There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.

I met an Indian guy on Tinder,

A philosopher named Deepinder.

I couldn’t understand most of what he said

So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”

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We are the .0000000000000000000000000000000000000…1 percent

“My feelings matter”

Screamed the important human

And a few quadrillion cubic lightyears

Of hyper-intelligent space blobs

Smiled and reminisced

On when they thought the same thing.

Two or three universes away

The process repeated.

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Buzzfeed Journalism

Everything in life worth knowing

Can be found in a hard-boiled egg.

If you don’t see how that’s possible

Your name probably isn’t Greg.

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The Optimist Manifesto

There are no starless evenings

And never will there be.

Nothing stops existing

Just because you cannot see.

If you call a glass half-empty

Or say one plus three is two

You do not hurt reality

Except the part that’s you.

And if you look up at the sky

Upon some cloudy night

And say the stars are lovely

When there’s not a star in sight

That doesn’t make you foolish

And you’ll only seem a dope

To those who never knew of faith

And have forgotten hope.

I pledge to always be the fool

Who calls a crow a dove,

Who calls the wind the breath of God,

Whose sin is too much love.

While I may not know what’s real

I know that I know not

So why not choose to fill the void

With one more happy thought?

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Waxing Philosophical (Hume’r Wasn’t In Descartes)

I think that great philosophers

Who from the old days came

Were the ones who didn’t laugh

At each others’ stupid names.

Think of how the commons laughed

And asked Ptolemy why

They had to spell his name

Starting with a silent pi.

Think of how these silly names

Through laughter would disable those

Who sought to set their Platos

And forkos on the tableos.

Think of poor Epictetus

The flat-chested stoic

And poor Heraclitus

Whose parents misspelled “heroic.”

I hope there’ve Bentham fun times

Locke’d within this rant.

Some days I’m very Thoreau

But today I said “I Kant.”

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