Tag Archives: Time

But It Won’t… So There

Tonight I watched a movie

That made me cry

About an awkward redhead

Who can travel through time.

He learned that living every day

As if it is your last

Is the key to perfect happiness,

Not reliving the past.

Unlike awkward redhead dude

I can’t control the ages,

Can’t redo my past mistakes

Or rewrite history’s pages.

What I can do that others can’t

Is make the time you spend

Be used to wish my poetry

Would finally freakin’ end.

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Watch Out

There once was a clock on a wrist

That one day became rather pissed.

It said “Time isn’t real,

“So how does that feel?”

Now it is for sale on Craigslist.

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Perchance to Dream

She was a girl too much alive for breathing,

Not more than an imaginary friend.

She met a man resentful of existence

For not obeying his command to bend.

She traded skins one hour in an evening

To walk among the mortals so beneath her

While the uncreative man whose shell she conquered

Took a stroll among the heavens, robed in ether.

The woman learned the pain of being solid

And how the road at night can smell of pine.

The man learned how to be imaginary

And why a drop of sunlight chose to shine.

And when the 60 minutes finished ticking

On a clock men made to solve the question, “when?”

The woman disappeared again forever

And the man awoke to be himself again.

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The String Theory of Christmas

‘Twas the night after Christmas

And the night before too…

Santa worked with the time machine

‘Til he turned blue,

For he needed to ship out

A few billion presents

To all of the children

Of all of the peasants.

The flux gear grew wonky

(Which you’ll see is not great)

And entangled poor Santa

Into some quantum state.

For Santa existed

And yet he did not,

As is demonstrable by

Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.

And so if you ask

“Mama, is Santa flying?”

She should say “yes AND no,”

Or else mama is lying.

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Dog Years

I was a teenager after a year,

Middle aged by the time I was two.

I’d spend months in a minute chasing a ball

And spent weekends taking a poo.

A scratch on my ears was an hour in heaven

Though it seemed but a second to man.

I wonder if master can feel my time

And pray one of his seconds he can.

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Next Week: Child Puts “Mean People Suck” Bumper Sticker On Car, Wins Nobel Prize For Literature

It’s nice to know

In this day and age

Time Magazine will

Give you the front page

And give you the title

“Person of the year”

For being perturbed

Where rich people can hear.

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Watch Yourself

Please keep the word mum

‘Cause I did something dumb:

I ordered a clock.

Now at my door, a knock!

I fear my time has come…

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My Covenant

Some people with a time machine

Would cure diseases in the past,

Kill Hitler as a baby

To stop the Jews from being gassed,

See what dinosaurs were like

Or build the pyramids.

Some would travel back in time

To relive being kids.

If I had a time machine

I’d go to a monastery

Where people sang Gregorian chant

With ye olde Tomme, Dicke, and Harrye

And play the drum and violin parts

To the Halo menu song.

Some people would go to the future

To cure cancer, but they’re wrong.

You’re Welcome

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The New Theory Of Relativity

If you’re in the bathroom

And a minute passes by

You don’t even notice

That on the other side

The guy outside the bathroom

Has lived 100 years alone

In a near-death state while you

Read your email on your phone.

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Prudent Advice Too Often Overlooked By Those Committing Revisionist-History Infanticide

If you went back in time

To kill Hitler as a baby

You probably should consider

That someone else just maybe

Might go back in time again

This time to kill you

‘Cause you’re a time-traveling baby killer

As far as they knew.

That’s why if you ever

Change history somehow

By traveling to the past

To influence the now

I think it’s important

To leave a detailed letter

Explaining how killing babies

Can make the world better.

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