A toast to all the henchmen,
The goons, the dorks, the minions
Who were killed by superheroes
Due to differences of opinions
Between said superheroes
And the employers of the underling throng
Who are alive and well in jail
‘Cause kids, killing is wrong.
Filed under Poems
They made the Joker movie
Where the villain was relatable.
Then they made “Cruella”
And made killing dogs debatable.
And I know that coming soon
To theaters near me
Is a film called “Adolf:
“A young art student’s story.”
I scouted out the diamond vault.
I broke in late at night.
I yoga’ed through the laser beams
And set the door alight.
I grabbed the bag of jewels
As the distant sirens screamed,
But as I made my exit
I forgot something, it seemed…
My velvet gloves were black as jet,
My goggles oversized.
My bicycle-powered plane was fast
But soon I realized
I’d left my top hat in the vault
As through the clouds I sailed.
Yes, I got away scot free
But, in my heart, I’d failed.
Filed under Poems
If I owned an evaporation ray
That could turn humans to ash
I think it would help motivate
My roommates to take out the trash.
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I had to write an essay
About why I deserve financial aid.
I wrote about the 10,000 horsepower
Machine gun-slash-jetpack I made.
They said “Thanks for your application
“But, alas, this year we can’t…”
And at that point I spotted an unlikely hero
And proceeded to kidnap their aunt.
——————————————————–
Well sure, I’m a villain I guess.
I act violently when under stress
And if I kill someone
And it’s not in good fun
I consider the day a success!
——————————————————–
I was failing Econ 101
So I put on my lowest-cut blouse
Snuck into my professor’s office
And sat on the pad for his mouse.
He came in and I said, “Professor
“I’ll do anything to get an A.”
Little did I know my professor
Had an evaporation ray…
Filed under Poems
I went to the range
To learn how to shoot.
I had me a gun
For to have me a hoot.
I pulled me a trigger
And I used my head
And thanks to my prudence
No targets ended up dead!
Filed under Poems
5: Spider Man
Well, yes, he is a hero.
That is good and well,
But this is spidey’s evil twin,
And like spiders, he’s scary as hell!
4: The Licenser
The Licenser is an insidious one.
He makes you wait in line.
He restricts your access to cars and guns
And he also makes you wait in line.
(Did I mention the waiting in line thing)?
3: The Pizza Delivery Boy Killer
No, he doesn’t kill delivery boys.
He eviller than that.
He poisons the pizzas you order in
With carbohydrates and saturated fat.
2: The Baby
Loud, obnoxious, and stinky,
It’s a villain with a potent defense:
You cannot kill a baby.
That’s just common courtesy. Such is the pretense.
And Finally:
1: The Internet
It’s said that most Americans
Are on the web 2.5 hours a day.
That’s 9.6 percent of your life.
Let me put it this way:
If you live to be one hundred years old,
You’ll only live to be 90.
Don’t believe me? Well look at your screen.
You’re on the internet, and it’s kicking your hiney.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 