The zookeeper likes animals
But ends up shoveling poo.
The librarian likes books
But tells the homeless people “shoo”.
The teacher wants to help kids
But the principal says no.
The customer service rep
Ran out of dreams three shifts ago.
Meanwhile, in my living room
I turn my camera off on Zoom
And watch Youtube while bosses talk
Of how to raise the price of stock.
Filed under Poems
Frankenstein reflects
That his monster has nothing
On the kid you made.
Filed under Poems
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
Explain in 500 words
Why you should chop off your penis.
Filed under Poems
There once was a gal in a chair
Who got stabbed while she sat there.
We then rightly deduced
Murders can be reduced
By banning all sitting. Sound fair?
Filed under Poems
I want a government run by puppies.
If you want that as well
Let’s team up and kill six-billion folks
And make the world more swell.
Filed under Poems
Learning CPR
To kiss choking folks for free
Still beats dating apps.
Filed under Poems
School is super awesome
‘Cause you get to go to class
And get yelled at by the teacher
‘Cause you’re super full of sass
And you get to ride a yellow bus
And eat mystery meat
In a gym full of 400 kids
And 800 smelly feet.
You get to learn a lot of stuff
Like math and reading books
And people whisper behind your back
And give you funny looks
And they legally can’t kick you out
If you try hard not to pass
And yes, I’m 48-years-old
And never late for class.
Filed under Poems
I brought them a gift.
It flew off and bit their kid.
I’m the goodest boy.
Soon the dragons will come returning
And watch our nations burn and fall
And say, “My goodness, look at them go!
“Guess they didn’t need us after all.”
Filed under Poems
“What do you want for your birthday?”
So many have asked this of me,
Yet I still have zero doomsday devices
And seventy-two graphic tees…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 