“Batter Up!” The umpire yelled,
And then he screamed in fright
As the crowd smeared uncooked pancakes on themselves
And ran off into the night.
Category Archives: Poems
I Hope The Punchline Won’t Drive You Away
Whenever I’m awake at night
Not able to go to sleep
I’ll sneak outside so quietly
Without making a peep
And head off to the landfill
Where old car parts fill a ditch
And I snuggle up with a Michelin,
Bridgestone, or BFGoodrich.
You may just think I’m sleezy,
Like my brain somehow misfired,
But it’s the only way I know
To get really good and tired.
Filed under Poems
Jesus Christ, Millennial
I want a pet Tyranosaurus
And a 10,000 square-foot house.
I want a 90-inch computer
And a solid platinum mouse.
I want the watch that Elvis wore
And a phone that does my dishes
But I can only walk on water
And play with loaves and fishes.
Filed under Poems
The Rich Man Thinketh
I’ve developed a nasty growth,
A blighting blob of bloat
Called a sense of self-importance.
I have a strong desire to gloat.
Considering my presence
On this great orb on which we float
I realize how unhealthy this is,
Yet I’ll still buy that fur coat.
Filed under Poems
Forrest Gump 2: Lost In New York
Life is like a box of chocolates:
It costs money and makes you fat.
Most people enjoy it as it kills them slowly.
Yeah, life’s a lot like that.
But it doesn’t have to be:
We can smile and and act as equals
Starting with something on which we all agree,
Specifically that most movies don’t need sequels.
Filed under Poems
Saint Andrew Is Not Amused
Blasphemy is bad.
Blasphemy is wrong,
But set it to a salsa beat
And make a catchy song
And pierce your nose and beat your kids
And smoke cocaine out of a bong
And that’s why I got kicked out of my church.
Filed under Poems
Vulcans Makes Sh*tty Poets
When I see your smiling face,
Your shining eyes and feline grace
I almost feel something at all
But then I don’t. So there.
Filed under Poems
Vulcans Makes Sh*tty Poets
When I see your smiling face,
Your shining eyes and feline grace
I almost feel somethig at all
But then I don’t. So there.
Filed under Poems
Totally The Feelings Of Someone Else (Who Isn’t Me) For Margot Robbie That Are Probably Exaggerated And Definitely Not Mine… Probably
Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:
You make me want to go and see
A film I likely won’t enjoy
‘Cause you are you and I’m a boy.
Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:
Watching you is my new hobby.
Your hair, when styled in tails of pig
Makes my… heart… grow twice as big.
Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:
You’re my favorite celebrity since whoever played Dobby.
The only thing more beautiful in my eye
Would be a reboot of Firefly.
Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:
You’re hotter even than wasabi.
This poem’s a joke written for you.
Yes, I’m a Joker, so love me too!
Margot, Margot, Margot Robbie:
Not being with you makes me sobby
But in the unlikely event you won’t be my vixen…
Shailyn, Shailyn, Shailyn Pierre-Dixon.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 