Tag Archives: Religion

First, Do No Harm

Today I’ve done nothing

But sit on my butt.

I woke up, closed the blinds,

Checked the door (locked and shut)

Then reveled for hours

Of sedentary bliss

Never once caring

About what I might miss.

And as nothing happened

For a fair bit of time

I had no new ideas

And committed no crime,

Consumed no nutrition

And didn’t make noise,

And somehow refrained

From molesting young boys.

I didn’t feel sadness,

Nor did I have fun

So for sunday the score is:

Catholics: 0, Poet: 1

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40 Virgins Is A Better Incentive… Just Saying

They mentioned becoming Jewish.

They said I ought and should.

Then the bris and lack of bacon came up

And Hell started to sound real good.

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Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor

A religious type of joke

Is often what offends

An amazing group of people’s

Imaginary friends.

I will mock all religions

In this poem I now write

Except, or course, for Islam

‘Cause I’m flammable and white.

I saw a gay pride event

As I was walking to my car.

They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church

So the priests needn’t walk too far.

I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke

And so I took a stab. I

Think they might have laughed had I

Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.

I met a “spiritual but not religious”

Person just the other day.

I asked them “is my latte ready?”

They said “yes, now go away.”

I’m not sure about Agnostics.

If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.

The Buddhists suffer eternally

Whether or not they read this poem.

I want to end with one last joke

To make you giggle or scoff:

Don’t get circumcised on a budget

‘Cause it might be a rip off. 

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The Bible, Basically

Every single second

Of every single day

You have the chance to change your life

And live a better way,

To turn off the autopilot

And let your thoughts run free,

To say goodbye to who you were

And welcome who you want to be.

Every single moment

In every person’s life

Comes with bits you wish would simply

Get impaled by a knife.

Sloth and greed and gluttony

Will leave you be, you’ll find,

If you toughen up and stab them

With the power of your mind.

You’re an amazing creature

Who can do amazing things.

You’re why the spider scurries

And you’re why the bluebird sings.

Your dreams can all be conquered

So show them you’re the dude!

Yours truly, God/Yweh.

Lol Jk you’re screwed!

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Jesus Christ, Millennial

I want a pet Tyranosaurus

And a 10,000 square-foot house.

I want a 90-inch computer

And a solid platinum mouse.

I want the watch that Elvis wore

And a phone that does my dishes

But I can only walk on water

And play with loaves and fishes.

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Saint Andrew Is Not Amused

Blasphemy is bad.

Blasphemy is wrong,

But set it to a salsa beat

And make a catchy song

And pierce your nose and beat your kids

And smoke cocaine out of a bong

And that’s why I got kicked out of my church.

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Why There Are So Many Non-Christians

And on the seven-million-fourteenth day

The Christian God said “let there be

“An era of slow internet.”

No other explanation do I see.

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Less Popular Prophets

I met some illiterate mutes

Who knew how the universe works,

But they wouldn’t tell me or write it down.

What a bunch of jerks!

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The God of Snails Endorses This Poem

The polytheistic viewpoint
Is great for lots of folks
Who offer prayers to guys upstairs
Who are decent, caring blokes.

The problem with the system
Of deities with such expertise
Is that some get stuck being “God of the duck”
While some are “God of the seas.”

I recommend an amendment
To the divine division of spheres
Wherein all divine dudes are not painted as nudes
And rule over whatever cheers (them up).

Sure we’ll have eighty-five Sun Gods
And none for dog poop or tripe,
But demographics suggest that this is what’s best
And we’d have no reason to gripe.

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