They called me an airhead,
A dumdum, a flake,
A limp blob of pudding
And, worse still, a snake.
I guess that it’s true –
One is as one eats.
I’ll back off on the reptiles,
But never the sweets.
Category Archives: Poems
Remember November
What’s sharp and made of plastic
And smells like chalk and spit?
I don’t know, but I’d enjoy
A chance to vote for it.
Filed under Poems
A Eulogy For Chivalry
When I see modern people
Here’s what’s going through my mind:
The eye of the beholder
Must be legally blind.
You think a girl is only pretty
If she’s so young they have to card her
And a man is only worthy
If he works hard and plays harder.
While taking off your shirt
Can be your gender-neutral ace
You can be even more attractive
By putting metal in your face.
You know a girl’s high-status
If she can get a friend to snap her
A photo for her profile
Besides the mirror in the crapper.
If you lack a personality
Emojiis have your back.
If all else fails chicks dig it
When you compliment their rack.
These days you are a chauvinist
By opening a door
But if you care about her day
You come off as a bore.
We relegate the olden days
Away on mental shelves.
We may still lay coats over puddles
But now we step on them ourselves.
Filed under Poems
A Big Discovery
Big picture,
Big cheese,
Big idea,
Big sneeze…
When on the word “big”
You get reflective
It seems to go in front of everything
As if it were an adjective.
Filed under Poems
The Cards Started Strong
Some of my friends are Hearts,
Full of love and kind and soft.
Other friends are Diamonds,
All rich and perfectly coiffed.
Some of my friends are Clubs
‘Cause they’re blunt and like to drink.
But I don’t yet know any Spades
Or anything relevant that rhymes with drink.
Filed under Poems
What Crabs Get
The hermit crab lived all alone,
Befitting of his name,
But he met a lady hermit crab
And talked and thrust and came.
Alas, he failed to protect himself
With a rubber or a thing of that yen
And he contracted a most vile disease:
In this case it was men.
Filed under Poems
How To Win A Fight With A Gorilla
Just don’t watch your children
When you take them to the zoo.
If it worked for Harambe
It’ll probably work for you.
Filed under Poems
21-Year-Old American Boy
I wish I had a plasma gun
Attached to the front of my car
‘Cause everyone would say “he’s here”
Whenever I drive to the bar.
Filed under Poems
My Two Cents
If a homeless person
Asks you for some cash
And you give them some pennies
You are literally human trash.
To give someone a penny
When they’re sleeping outside on the ground
Is to say “You’re still broke, but at least
“I don’t have to carry this f*%^ing penny around.”
Filed under Poems
As For Me… I Was A Goldfish
Benny was a hamster,
An upper-middle class rat.
He lived seven years
In a house with a cat.
He suffered anxiety
Throughout his meager years.
Then he was eaten and came back
As a worker at Sears.
This tale is bland
At face-value only.
It’s a tale of courage
Despite being lonely.
I urge you, have compassion
For all that you meet
For in a previous life
They may have been meat.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 