They make blueberry, strawberry,
Blackberry jam,
But not jam out of chicken,
Venison, spam.
Why do we make paste
Out of fruits and such
But not dead animals?
Suspicious much?
Category Archives: Poems
Don’t We All
They say I’ve a nose like a bloodhound,
Eyes of an eagle, ears of an elf.
That’s a polite way for people to say
I suck at hide-and-seek when I play by myself.
Filed under Poems
Every College Essay Ever
I wrote a poem so marvelous!
About it you would rave.
Alas, I didn’t charge my phone.
I also didn’t press “save.”
I Like An Easy Read
I’ve discovered I’m a psychic.
It’s really pretty slick!
If found out when my lover
Thought “I hope he’s not psychic.”
Well that relationship
Ended on an ironic note
When I shouted “ha ha, I am!”
And that was all she wrote…
Being a psychic in the dating pool
Is fun, to say the least.
I know which gal’s have hearts of gold
And which have infected yeast.
Now the mind of every man
Is a delightfully simple thing,
Like Indiana Jones
And the temple of “do I buy a ring?”
A woman’s mind is more complex
Like the tale of War and Peace
But from an eagle’s point of view
And written in Taiwanese.
I’ve gotten used to psychic life
And find a girl I may,
But when it comes to reading minds
I think I’m kinda gay.
Filed under Poems
Seeing The Forest From The Treason
Trusting a serving platter
Is something not to do
Because a serving platter
Will always be-tray you.
You May Already Get This Joke
You enter the clearing
Where your publisher lives
And wander up to his home.
You’re greeted by
A lovely smell
And ceramic garden gnome.
You didn’t think
You’d leave here rich.
You thought you’d just come for dinner,
But at the Publisher’s
Clearing House
You may already be a winner.
Filed under Poems
Public Spaces
Let me tell you
What I saw
While walking in the park:
A naked tree
And silent dog,
Both without their bark.
An ice cream truck
And teenagers,
Both trying to stay cool.
A screaming child
And litter,
Both unwanted in a pool.
The smell of grass
And pollen,
Both filling up my nose.
That girl I dumped
And no hiding place,
‘Cause that’s the way it goes.
A wad of dirt
And my own good arm,
My ex’s now-brown eyes.
Some flashing lights
And handcuffs
Makes me doubt my plan was wise.
A cop’s back seat,
Some iron bars,
A jury of my peers,
Now it’s just me
And “Chainsaw Ted”
For five to seven years.
Filed under Poems
Where No Man Has Ever Gone Before
If you’re anything like me
And you really need to pee
And you can’t hold it anymore
The solution isn’t hard.
Give the guy at the next urinal your card.
You won’t pee until 2024.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Rejected by Hallmark
Today’s the day we drink until
We’re knocked over by a breeze.
It’s by far the holiday
With the fewest memories.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 