You ever seen one of those
Human-sized dolls
For guys who want lovin’
But don’t have the balls?
I really hope they’re electric.
That’s what I’ve concluded,
‘Cause what other double-D’s
Are “batteries not included?”
Category Archives: Poems
Vive L’Internet!
It’s 41 Farenheit
Outside my room.
It would be warm in Alaska
And cold in Khartoum.
In my car, my spedometer
Says 73.
That’s slow if you’re metric
But fast if you’re me.
Lots of life’s relative;
Could be good, could be bad,
But at least we agree
There’s arguments to be had!
Obligatory Thanksgiving Poem XIVII
I’m thankful for my family
And to you, my faithful fan.
Thanks to you I made this poem
Very short, because I can.
Filed under Poems
One Poem A Day: How Hard Can It Be?
I’m looking forward
To 2016,
Less so to the time
That comes in between,
For when the New Year
Comes rolling in
You feel able
To do anythin’.
But in 2015,
As it is right now
I’m cranking out poems
And tending electric cows.
And so in two months
I’ll be out of this funk.
For now I’ve got ice cream.
Hope you enjoyed this junk.
Filed under Poems
Full Moon
I heard yo’ mama’s missing.
Where she’s gone is rather dull.
Let’s just say the moon was hungry
But tonight the moon is full.
Filed under Poems
No New Messages
Hey there gurrls
On the internet.
I’m the sexiest nerd
You have digitally met.
My can read my handle:
TentaclesRMyLyfe.
I don’t mind you’re 16,
You can still be my wife.
You see my profile pic
With my shirt on the floor.
I know my photoshopped abs
Will make you swipe right for sure.
If you like obscure jokes
Come and give me a shout.
I’ve got a ragout rabbit
If your cooking’s maxed out.
Can I go all night?
Well, show you I will!
I can warranty that promise
With a little white pill.
So if you’re game, sexy,
Why not give me a “like?”
We’ll ride to heaven together
On my two-seater bike.
Filed under Poems
Spirit Animals
I wonder if tigers,
Wolves, and Toucans
Think that their spirit
Animals are humans?
I could find no answer,
But see if you can.
And now I wonder whose spirit
Animal is a toucan.
Filed under Poems
A Declaration of Independence From Humorless People
When in the course
Of humor events
It becomes necessary
To sever ties
Because jokes about Catholics,
Jews and Gents,*
Fat people and others
Are not always wise,
Then its time to move on
To where humor’s a sense
That people possess.
That’s just what I think.
So go somewhere unfollowable
By the immense,
The political and religious,
And flash them a wink.
*Abbreviation of “Gentiles.” Yes, I’m that stretched for a rhyme.
Happy Weekend!
Filed under Poems
…Until You Fall Asleep
Is it evil to hate those
Who collide at high speed
And slow down the traffic
On your way to work?
If you type “Lol”
When you mean “I hope you bleed,”
Is that being human
Or being a jerk?
If somebody pokes you
And you grab their head
And crush it with gusto
In an industrial vice,
Or set them on fire
And chant “Presto Combusto”
Is that so wrong?
Ok… I’ll be nice…
Filed under Poems
An Absence Of Violent Friends
I know a few ninjas
And I know a few knights
Who go to the park
And fly fancy kites.
Ask them for a teaspoon
And they’ll give you a cup.
They’re great ’til you need
To f*** someone up.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 