Category Archives: Poems

June 27, 2015 · 12:46 pm

Dixie-Doodle Dandy

If I were a cowboy

With a six-gun on my hip,

I’d be careful when in a saloon,

‘Cause it would be bad to trip.
I’d keep my buddies close to me

And my enemies far away,

And I’d treat my horse real good

So with me she would stay.
I’d steer clear of the Indians,

But identify with their plight.

I hope they wouldn’t judge me

For having been born white.
I’d probably fly a confederate flag,

But just to avoid making waves.

You might think it’s sort of lame,

That this ain’t how a cowboy behaves.
But if I were a cowboy

With my six-gun handy,

I’d probably vote for gun control.

Dixie-Doodle Dandy.

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June 26, 2015 · 2:19 pm

The Simple Life

Steve the fish lived in a dish

(A bowl, to be precise).

He shared his private windowsill

With two ex-lab mice.
When the mice stopped eating cheese,

Steve was not perturbed.

When they sprouted fangs and wings

He still was not disturbed.
And when the ex-lab mice escaped

To terrorize the Earth

Steve swam in circles happily

And reminisced about his birth.
And when the Earth went up in flames

And did finally dissappear,

Steve the fish was satisfied

With his one long, happy year.

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June 25, 2015 · 1:22 pm

World of Warcraft

‘Twas Saturday I met up

With a warrior and a monk

To journey forth to Elvenkeep

To slay a dragon-skunk.

That’s when I discovered

That rogues are, apparently, lame,

And for a moment I wondered:

Why do people play this game?

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June 24, 2015 · 1:52 pm

The Acorn

A unicorn has one horn.

A bicorn has two.

A polycorn has many horns

That can stick into you.

So a unicorn with no horn

Is an acorn, I suppose.

If you didn’t believe in magic,

Well, I guess now you knows.

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June 23, 2015 · 11:49 am

Du’ck! An Acrostic Poem

Did you see it coming

Up above your head?

‘Cause if you didn’t, you’re probably

Kinda going to be a bit dead.

!

        

        

P.S.  My new book is being released just in time for the 4th of July. Until June 26th (this Thursday), you have a chance to get a free copy! Check out the “coming soon” tab for more info.

     

     

P.P.S.

Sorry can’t explain my apol…

Ogetic attitude

Right now

Regarding today’s poem.

Yep, that’s about it.

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June 22, 2015 · 11:59 am

Meet Unemployed Singles Today!

I quit my job at Burger Giant

And now I’m beating down the door

Of Indeed, Monster, and Jobs.com,

Along with several more.

Then something in me realized

That this process I was hating

Could learn a valuable lesson

From the world of online dating.

I would happily seek employment

On MatchMySkills.com,

Or how ’bout J-Job, FatGuysWork,

Or EmployMySingleMom?

If you want to outsource labor

There’s always AsianJobs to try,

For part time jobs: It’s Just ‘Til Lunch.

For waiting tables: Grown Men Don’t Fry.

I understand that on these

The industry won’t pounce,

But as Grandma always said

It’s the thought that counts.

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June 21, 2015 · 12:37 pm

Sweet Tea

I met a girl the other day.

She was such a teas.

I was lost in the swing of her rose hips

And the bend of her chai knees.
She was sweet as a strawberry zinger.

Her hair was as black as Earl Grey.

She raised one lump or two in my heart

And she steeped in my thoughts all day.
And tonight I will drink in her presence

And maybe protect her from thieves.

If all goes well, we’ll have English Breakfast.

I read it in the leaves.

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June 20, 2015 · 1:56 pm

Learning To Bee Yourself

They’re coming at seven

And this place is a mess.

There are larvae all over the walls.

We’ve not enough pollen

To feed all our guests,

And the queen is asking for my balls.
The workers are striking.

The drones are conversing.

The soldiers are sewing on stripes.

I’ve just about had it

With this dinner party

And all of my coworkers’ gripes.
Thus said the hornet

Who dared to be different.

‘Twas his nature. He didn’t know why.

Later that day

After leaving the nest

He learned that he’d been born a fly.

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June 19, 2015 · 1:54 pm

Midlife Hammering

If I had a hammer

I’d hammer in the morning.

I’d hammer in the evening

All over this land.

I’d hammer for weeks

Until one week, without warning

I’d realize that my hammer

Was getting quite bland.
Then I’d sell my hammer

And buy a Mazerati.

I’d stay up in the evening

And buff it by hand.

I’d drive it to the movies

Until it got a door ding.

Then I’d sell it for a smart car

And maybe start a garage band.

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June 18, 2015 · 12:16 pm

Sermon On The Scale

Blessed are the cheesemakers

Who turn milk into gold

By putting it in barrels

‘Til it’s really, really old

(And occasionally covered in mold).
Blessed are the coffee roasters

Who make heaven out of beans.

They harvest the energy of life

Among the coffee greens.

(To top it off, their uniform is partially blue jeans).
Blessed are the chocolatiers

Who shape, box, and decant.

For them my praise has no end,

And neither does my rant.

(Their uniform also includes a form of denim pant).
Blessed are the ice cream men,

And ice cream women too.

They make a food that’s wonderful,

And you don’t even have to chew!

(It seems that most good things in life come from the things that moo).
Blessed are the liposuctionists

Who make the other four

A possibility, and let

Me eat enough for four.

(And now my sermon is complete. No go and eat some more). 

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