Tag Archives: Cheese

Quick Bonus Poem

If you want to feel sadder

Than you’ve ever felt

Imagine a world

In which cheese doesn’t melt.


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Dear Cheese…

Though made to feed a bovine calf

We stole you from the mother,

Mixed you with bacteria

And rennet to feed another.

We formed this new more-yellow you

Into a wheel of cheese

To be sliced and melted freely

By whosoever it should please.

Your sacrifice is noted

And has brought the world much joy

And we’ll fight to keep you relevant

In a world obsessed with soy.

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Yours Truly Goes To A Restaurant

Whether you like mozzarella

Or “anything, as long as its yella”

If you say thank-a-you and please

Then come on down and have some cheese!

We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,

From naked sheep and sheep with coats,

From pigs and deer and even moles.

How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!

It tastes like heaven. You can check!

It makes the hairs stand on your neck.

And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!

Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…

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Still Better Than Veganism

Were I a can of cheese

Sitting softly on the shelf

I would live a peaceful life,

Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.

I would not fear to be consumed,

Nor to expire or lose my hair.

I would be orange and insubstantial,

Pressured only by compressed air.

And then one fateful afternoon

Should someone spread me out

And eat me, I can surely say

I’ll probably make them pout.

Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can

Is an underrated goal:

Such is my conclusion.

I hope you found this droll.

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Political Commentary < Forced Cheese Puns

When all was young

In the beginning

There was a big cheese

And we called it a king.

But the cheese was too big

For the peasants’ humble stomachs.

Though they had many plans

The situation continued to flummox.

So they cut up the king,

(Figuratively, of course)

And imposed their own rule

Through riot-based force.

Instead of a king

Who can do as he pleases

They had a republic

Of many smaller cheeses.

Yes, the peasants were the first

Of the modern free-staters.

They made cheeses smaller

And, thus, the cheese grater.

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When You Want To Complain But You Have Writer’s Block

The world is really beautiful

But doesn’t have enough

Cheese-based lukewarm beverages

(And generally lukewarm-cheese stuff).

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Sermon On The Scale

Blessed are the cheesemakers

Who turn milk into gold

By putting it in barrels

‘Til it’s really, really old

(And occasionally covered in mold).
Blessed are the coffee roasters

Who make heaven out of beans.

They harvest the energy of life

Among the coffee greens.

(To top it off, their uniform is partially blue jeans).
Blessed are the chocolatiers

Who shape, box, and decant.

For them my praise has no end,

And neither does my rant.

(Their uniform also includes a form of denim pant).
Blessed are the ice cream men,

And ice cream women too.

They make a food that’s wonderful,

And you don’t even have to chew!

(It seems that most good things in life come from the things that moo).
Blessed are the liposuctionists

Who make the other four

A possibility, and let

Me eat enough for four.

(And now my sermon is complete. No go and eat some more). 

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