Of glorious, glorious, glorious cheese
I sing a glorious story
About how glorious you are,
You cheese so full of glory.
Glorious, glorious, glorious cheese,
You’re glorious, it’s true!
I couldn’t afford a thesaurus
Because I bought too much of you.
It’s truly not a hoax
That there are only two types of folks:
Those who think Wensleydale is cracking
And those whose education is lacking.
Her love made me warm and fuzzy
Like a bit of french cheese
Left in a sauna over the weekend
But, alas, she had fleas.
If you want to feel sadder
Than you’ve ever felt
Imagine a world
In which cheese doesn’t melt.
Though made to feed a bovine calf
We stole you from the mother,
Mixed you with bacteria
And rennet to feed another.
We formed this new more-yellow you
Into a wheel of cheese
To be sliced and melted freely
By whosoever it should please.
Your sacrifice is noted
And has brought the world much joy
And we’ll fight to keep you relevant
In a world obsessed with soy.
Whether you like mozzarella
Or “anything, as long as its yella”
If you say thank-a-you and please
Then come on down and have some cheese!
We’ve got cheese from cows and goats,
From naked sheep and sheep with coats,
From pigs and deer and even moles.
How much? Bowls and bowls and bowls!
It tastes like heaven. You can check!
It makes the hairs stand on your neck.
And if you melt it… oh, where to begin!
Oh, wait, sorry… you’re vegan…
Were I a can of cheese
Sitting softly on the shelf
I would live a peaceful life,
Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.
I would not fear to be consumed,
Nor to expire or lose my hair.
I would be orange and insubstantial,
Pressured only by compressed air.
And then one fateful afternoon
Should someone spread me out
And eat me, I can surely say
I’ll probably make them pout.
Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can
Is an underrated goal:
Such is my conclusion.
I hope you found this droll.