Roses are red.
Vegans are pale.
When they read my blog in 10 years
They’ll probably put me in jail.
Tag Archives: America
What Do You Mean We Have Weird Books In Our School Libraries?
Meet Vlad.
Vlad is sad.
Vlad thinks climate change is bad.
Vlad cannot cite sources? Woah!
But xe’s doing xir best though.
Vlad knows that to stop the pain
Of having marginally less rain
Because of heat that cow fart brings
Means having to do some painful things.
Vlad helps Earth by blocking cars
And hanging flyers up at bars.
Xe spray paints slogans over art
And lives out of a shopping cart.
Xe knows capitalism is bad.
And so is having a present dad.
Be like Vlad and we’ll show you lenience:
The climate depends on your inconvenience.
Filed under Poems
Juneteenth
Today’s the day we celebrate
When the government was two years late
To tell the slaves that they were free
And now owe tax on property.
Filed under Poems
If Only The Sea Level Could Rise Above Washington DC
In four more days the day will be
The longest of the year.
Today it’s fifty-eight outside
And I’m grinning ear to ear
‘Cause this means all our efforts
In the global warming fight
Have paid off, and we can repeal
The carbon tax now, right?
Filed under Poems
Dear IRS…
If I had a yeasty codpiece
That was trolled through mud and sludge
And then ground into a powder
And baked into a toxic fudge
That was fed to pigs with cholera
Who shat it into a vial
I’d rather take a shot of it
Than pay you to e-file.
Filed under Poems
I Stole This Joke (Like The Second Guy, Probably)
Racism is crazy!
Like if you punch a white guy
You get arrested for assault
And your mama will cry
But if you punch a black guy
In the belly or head
You’re impersonating
A police officer instead.
Filed under Poems
*Depends* On Your Perspective
In kindergarten, there was a boy
Who said “You’re dumb and old
“And you’re bald and gross and poopy
“And you do whatever you’re told.”
I turned to face the parents
Whose expressions were most hesitant
And I proudly said, “We’re learning
“About how to describe the president!”
Filed under Poems
The Only Difference Is One Candidate Was Convicted
There once was a hush-money trial
That went on for quite a while.
The jury used their melon
And decided he’s a felon
But he’ll still win votes with a smile.
Filed under Poems
The Menace Is No Longer Phantom
In 1999 they released a film
About an old guy that starts a galactic war
Where one side wants free markets
And one side wants big government
But they both serve the same exact dark lord
Now in 2024 we’re given a choice
Between two wrinkly warmongers as well
And I’m going to vote for the one
Who shoots lightning from his thumbs
‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 