Tag Archives: Fitness

Plus Now The Taxidermist Has An Amazing Story!

Jen lost ten pounds through exercise.

Steve lost twenty by changing his diet.

I lost sixty pounds when my tapeworm came out

But Jen and Steve are too chicken to try it.

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Realistic Fitness Goals

I went back to the gym today,

Got my badge, and paid my way

So I can flex my body parts

That got flabby ‘cause I do arts.

I will go at least once more

‘Cause I paid for months-comma-four.

I’ll get my Summer body, y’all

Just in time for the start of Fall!

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There was a time without taxes,

A time without corporate spying,

And if you believe the Bible there was

A time without even dying.

But one timeless thing that has always been

Through every era and age

Is that no gym will ever show

Non-promotional prices on their front page.

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Cookies for breakfast,

Pizza for lunch,

Twelve donuts for dinner,

But I did one crunch!

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Exercise in the Park

I asked, “Jerry, how do I

“Improve my upper body strength?”

He said, “A bench press

“Is a good place to start, Mark.”

I thought of his advice

And pondered it at length,

Then I grabbed my iron

And went to the city park.

I told the people and the pigeons

That they must depart,

Then I pressed into that bench

Until the steam had all but ceased.

I still have a weak torso

But Jerry said that it’s a start,

And even so I must admit

The bench looks better creased.

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How to Choose a Fitness Club

If they’re doing yoga,

Zumba, jazzercise or such

You’re likely in the Estrogym

And have a woman’s touch.

If they’re watching football games

And opening a beer

You’re gym is the Testosterzone,

The palace of good cheer.

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Why My Fitness Starts In February

He’s running backwards on the treadmill,

She’s failing to do a squat,

And that guy with the free weights

Is doing who know’s what.

They try not to laugh at her

And not to stare at him.

It’s every fit guy’s nightmare:

January at the gym.

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