I want to start an exercise trend
Where you walk through your neighborhood
Knocking on doors and running away
And pretending you’re misunderstood.
Part of this program is selling the plan
To neighbors you happen to witness
And all exercise that’s not this are just lies.
I call this “Jehovah’s Fitness”.
There once was this person in a show
Whose character was lower than low
And the writers said “Hey,
“Let’s show them every day“
And now I don’t watch any mo’.
I think that complaint calls
Should work like a phone sex line:
They’ll charge you by the minute
To listen to you whine.
In fact, any complaints at all
Should have a hefty fee…
Who else wants to defund Karens
And fill the world with glee?
If given a choice
Between water and wine
Instead ask for orange juice
And you’ll get on fine.
If given a choice
Between fire and ice
Just say “I’ll have lightning
“‘Cause that would be nice.”
If given a choice
Between evil and good
Do what you want
If you want what you should
For picking a choice
Between one or another
Is much too convenient
For me and your mother.
You know that one app
That you use every day
With a UX that’s perfect
In every way?
About that… I’ve great nees
To share here today:
We’ve launched a new update!
You just have to pay…
You remember that one guy in high school
Who really, REALLY, loved to talk
About how chinchillas reproduce
And the unpublished music of Bach
And no matter how incorrect he was
Or how bored you happened to be?
That guy is every political discussion
In 2023.
If you cannot speak kindly
Do not speak at all.
If you have no knowledge
It’s best to be quiet.
If you’re awesome, just zip it.
If you’ve a story, just skip it.
Shutting up is amazing…
Please try it!
Little mouse
In our house
Upsetting my future spouse
Makes me decide
Mouse genocide
May very well be justified.
There once was a CO detector
That was meant to be a home protector.
It beeps loudly at night
Though the battery’s alright
So I hit it with an axe and wrecked ‘er!
If you think you need
To drive a faster speed
When your car’s ahead of mine
Then all is good and fine.
If you would go faster
When behind me, I’m your master.
Yes, that makes me a jerk
But oh boy does it work!
The Daily Travesty