The year was 2055
And Disney was somehow still alive.
Their greatest writer stood and said
“What if Black Panther was white instead?”
And coast to coast the people caved
As bloggers whined and critics raved
And I, at 60 years, just sat
Rewatching Shrek, and that was that.
Filed under Poems
In the future, little kids
Will visit their Grandma’s houses
And bring along 3D-printed candy
And all four of their spouses
And in between rounds of “Doom 35”
Grandma will tell the tale
Of how when she was a little boy
It was hip to say “epic fail.”
Filed under Poems
Today we remember the world’s greatest dancer
Who ten score years earlier passed on from cancer.
Before she succumbed to the tumors and such
She lived a grand life and accomplished so much:
She was the first woman to dance on the moon,
The first to make contact with the Laser Raccoon,
The inventor of Carbon, the first scrambler of eggs,
And ZZ Top’s inspiration to write “She’s Got Legs.”
When she was young people said she was odd
For she went to the pet store and adopted a God.
As she grew older her thoughts turned to war
And where once there was everything there soon was no more,
So she let her pet rebuild quite a bit
While she spent her time just relaxing a bit.
Then she saw an ad in a paper one day
And, on a whim, chose to take up ballet.
She learned how to twirl and wear tutus and stuff
And discovered ballet was incredibly tough…
Much tougher than crushing rebellions, they say…
Worse even than smelling some Axe body spray.
She struggled and sweated, for she felt it vital
That she must be ready for her first recital.
She struggled and strained through each pirouette
‘Til she was the best that a dancer could get.
Some people had doubted, had mocked her and laughed
But after she danced they all saw how they’d gaffed.
“Alas,” they cried out as she do-si’d her do
And those who felt proud suddenly felt quite low.
And as she bowed low and the watchers applauded
And her majesty great by the critics was lauded
She said the five words that ended her tale:
She said “I was born biologically male.”
The entire world raged and volcanoes erupted
As their heroine’s image by sin was corrupted
And so she was wiped from the pages of history
And now even her name is no more than a mystery.
Some people will tell you this poem’s not funny,
That I am just lying ‘cause I want your money,
But know that this legend is utterly true
Or the Earth isn’t flat and the sky isn’t blue.
And if you say otherwise, I’ll have you know
There’s a place where all bad kids like you have to go…
The worst prison ever, a hell of a jail
Reserved for those convicted of being a white male.
That’s all for today, little wards of the state.
Now go home and remember, love is better than hate.
Filed under Poems
Tomorrow is the fateful day
Where 45% of America shouts “hooray”
And the major event will be watching those
Who will not be watching the new Pres’s prose.
Tomorrow the meme will in the white house sit
And whether you smile or snarl or spit
You have to admit (or at least you should)
Until 2020 Twitter’s gonna be good.
Filed under Poems
I remember the days of yore
When if you made a call
You could not use the internet.
No you couldn’t. Not at all.
I remember the olden days
When a prune was a “dried plum,”
And when Superhero movies
Were as tacky as they’d come.
If you complain about the future,
These are the comforts you should seek.
Besides these three things, however,
Yeah… The future’s kinda bleak.
Filed under Poems
Here it is: The final day.
The year that was will fade away.
With this poem I complete my goal
To write a poem a day, each somewhat droll.
And so completed, I look ahead
From the unfair comfort of my bed.
I feel happy and somewhat zen,
And I think I’ll do it all again!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
In the future:
We’ll have hover cars that drive themselves
And women’s liberations
And continued economic growth
Among the Asian nations.
In the future, traffic accidents
Will have fewer survivors,
For the hover cars will be programmed
By Asian women drivers.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 