Some folks say that God is dead,
But that’s misinformation.
The real truth is God is gone
On one big long vacation.
He asked his faithful angel pal
To water his plant before bed,
But the angel pal misread the note
And watered the planet instead.
Tag Archives: God
Tearjerker Country Songs 101
It’s a stormy night of sorts
And there’s a church nearby
And the preacher with a troubled past
Welcomes some stranded guy.
They small talk for a while
Until the preacher tells the tale
Of how some dude did something bad
And didn’t go to jail.
Some family member died too young
And everybody’s sad
And you get the impression
That God is really bad.
But then the random stranger
Who was talking to the priest
Is suddenly regretful
And reveals he was the beast
Who did the aforementioned crime
That caused the kid to die.
Then he says “Will you forgive me?”
And everybody starts to cry.
Then everybody’s fine and stuff
And no one finds it odd
That injustice is suddenly fine somehow
‘Cause hey, why not? Yay God!
Filed under Poems
Take That, Al Gore!
What if the Earth
Is God’s kitchen fridge,
Cold for millions of years
Until, recently,
God opened it up
To get out some divine beers.
The Earth got all warm
From the Heaven outside
Until, once again, the doors close
That or it’s just
What science is saying…
What I’m trying to say is: Who knows?
Filed under Poems
SERIOUSLY?! DOST THOU KIDDETH THY LORD?!
Somewhere in Heaven
The Gods all look down
At the biggest of cities
And the tiniest town,
They watch people playin’
And workin’ and sleepin’
(It’s okay that they watch us
‘Cause Gods can’t be creepin’).
They shout for our victories,
Sob for our failings,
But one thing holds constant
For all of their wailings:
All Gods will swear
On all that is pious
That those damned referees
Are all fuckin’ biased.
Filed under Poems
Genesis
God made twelve hours of light and dark
In an alternating way
Then sat a while
And with a smile
Decided to call it a day.
Filed under Poems
Sincerely, God
There’s a billion folks in poverty.
A billion more are sick.
Every day a million innocents
Will fall for dirty tricks.
Homeless folks are freezing
And millions have no food
But you made a cross at halftime
So I’ve got you, football dude!
Filed under Poems
And Hark! He Said “Thou Cannot Reason With These People”
If we elected God himself
To lead the USA
Half of us would disapprove
Because he’s anti-gay.
Another half would criticize
The way his job was done
And make memes calling him socialist:
“Loaves and fishes for everyone!”
His “love your neighbor” policy
Would, by nationalists, be despised.
We’d call him dumb to design an ark
That’s unfeasibly sized.
We’d cry out “Egomaniac”
Because he asks for praise.
We’d complain that since he made time
The weekend should last four days.
Mary’d call him a rapist
After carrying his son
And some would say the Russians
Are the reason that he won.
They’d break the third commandment
Every day within the news
And people would complain
Because he panders to the Jews.
If we made God the president
He’d be called an old white shill,
But for sure his graven image
Would never grace a dollar bill.
Filed under Poems
The Bible, Basically
Every single second
Of every single day
You have the chance to change your life
And live a better way,
To turn off the autopilot
And let your thoughts run free,
To say goodbye to who you were
And welcome who you want to be.
Every single moment
In every person’s life
Comes with bits you wish would simply
Get impaled by a knife.
Sloth and greed and gluttony
Will leave you be, you’ll find,
If you toughen up and stab them
With the power of your mind.
You’re an amazing creature
Who can do amazing things.
You’re why the spider scurries
And you’re why the bluebird sings.
Your dreams can all be conquered
So show them you’re the dude!
Yours truly, God/Yweh.
Lol Jk you’re screwed!
Filed under Poems
What Happened To The Elder Gods, Vol. 1
A chicken divine
Made entirely of gold
With a mind to cure cancer
And which never gets old
That makes a girl fall in love
And a man squeal like a dork
Looks as lovely as can be
As I stab it with my fork.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 