Iām grateful for puppies
That eat the whipped cream
That we spray on their paws while they sleep,
Iām grateful for holidays
That involve candy
But nowhere to be seen is a Peep,
Iām grateful for readers
Who tolerate poems
That are four lines or less when Iām tired,
And Iām grateful for days
With a built-in theme
Because I can pretend Iām inspired.
Filed under Poems
If you never rode a bicycle
From the top of dead-manās hill
And hit 100 miles an hour
And then took a wicked spill
And sprayed your blood all everywhere
But didnāt cry one bit
Then son, you are a wussy.
If you did, youāre full of it!
Filed under Poems
There once was a fellow named Baggins
Who tired of old Gandalfās nagginās.
He stole a gold ring
From a fire snake thing
And inspired the game āDungeons and Dragonsā.
Filed under Poems
People are always joking
About how it weirds them out
That someone grabbed a cowās udder
And drank what came out.
But Iām wondering who
Ground some wheat with a stone
Mixed it with milk and bacteria
Then left it alone
Before heating it up
To 300 degrees
And then frying it up
With some butter and cheeseā¦
Filed under Poems
āTwas the night before Monday
And all through the nation
There were people in need
Of another vacation.
Theyād worked all their lives
Forty hours or more,
Fighting tooth and nail
For a new higher score.
The cost of the score
Was not steep if you count
Sanity and free time
As a meager amount,
And so they awoke
To commute and check out
And that, my dear kids,
Is what workās all about.
Filed under Poems
Tonight we watched a movie
About a very macho horse.
Was it a beautiful film? Yes!
And an excuse for a short poem? Of course!
Filed under Poems
Today I woke at 5:00 AM
To play a video game
Where I got to go to school
With a crocodile made of flame
And ride a living, dragon motorcycle
Far across the land,
Throwing balls at animals
So theyāre at my command.
I took a day off work for this,
Ignored my social life,
Forgot to take a shower with
The girl whoāll be my wife.
All this is the triumph
Of a fully grown adult
Whose parents never let him buy
A pumpkin catapult.
Filed under Poems
They make elbow pasta,
Bow ties and angel hair,
But I think they should make a noodle
For guys who have a pair:
A noodle like the balls that hang
Behind your pickup truckā¦
(It was at this point my girlfriend said
Iām already in luck).
Filed under Poems
They have hot dogs; they have buns.
They have lunch meat; they have pancakes.
The equivalence I want to know:
What sort of meat a pair with waffles makes.
Filed under Poems
I went to a gathering of people
Who like to drink and drive,
Pull quickly into trafficā¦
On recklessness they thrive.
Theyāre the reason we have accidents
And I almost forgot to mention
That there were lots of nerds there.
It was a start wreck convention!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 