Tag Archives: Humor

January 27, 2020 · 8:56 pm

The Barista Song

I’m not smiling ’cause I’m happy;

I’m smiling because I am cold,

And I must pay for heat and something to eat

Until I grow fatally old.

I’m not smiling ’cause I like you;

I’m smiling because I need gas,

So I turn up my lips to encourage more tips

And, if that fails, wiggle my ass.

My smile is not one of pleasure

And the tears that I hide have no joy

And I, every day, pray for a bump in my pay

As I serve you your mocha with soy.

I’m not smiling ’cause I want to.

I’m not laughing ’cause I’m amused.

I just try to look fun ’cause I’m broke, 21,

And the universe makes me confused.

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January 26, 2020 · 10:20 pm

She Had A Babyface… He Was One

When you think of rings you think “wedding,”

And you think that a heel is a shoe.

When I think of rings my mind goes to wrestling

And a heel is the guy people boo.

You think that dropkicking somebody is crazy

And I think it’s living the life

And that, my dear lady, is just one of the reasons

You won’t be this wrestler’s wife!

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January 25, 2020 · 11:03 pm

When You Least Expect It

Sometimes you bite

A chocolate chip cookie

But it’s actually oatmeal raisin.

Sometimes you meet with

A girl you don’t like

But she’s actually really amazin’.

Sometimes you’re hired

For the job of your dreams

Which turns into something you dread.

Sometimes a cookie

Is only a cookie

But sometimes it’s a chimpanzee’s head.

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January 24, 2020 · 10:40 pm

Social Media

I think there are two types of folks.

Let’s see if you agree:

1: People who are literally Hitler

2: People who think just like me

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January 23, 2020 · 10:40 pm

Florida Man Goes Traveling

“Peculiar” is the word she used

Which made me just a bit confused.

What’s in any way peculiar about a guy

Who likes to eat burgers for lunch

With a glass of fruity punch

And, for dessert, has a slice of gator pie?

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January 22, 2020 · 10:22 pm

Also, My Stepmom Is A Lot More Distant Now

I got tired of seeing ads

For beer and women’s shoes

So I installed an ad blocker

‘Cause what did I have to lose?

Soon my girlfriend Yui called

Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”

I guess it’s my fault hot asians

Don’t want to date me anymore…

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January 21, 2020 · 9:08 pm

I’m Getting Stepsistery In My Old Age

Cinderella is the tale

Of a peasant girl named Ella

Who, by being the only nice girl in the world,

Snares the heart of her fella.

Some say we’d all be Cinderella

If the world were entirely jerks

Yet I haven’t met many princesses

So I don’t think that’s how the world works.

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January 19, 2020 · 9:24 pm

Never Discuss A Desire To Expand One’s Vocabulary With A Maternal Figure When Poor…

Fate, ye tempting mountebank,

Whether spurious or not,

Can prove to be, to our free will,

A specious asymptote.

Atropos, supercilious,

Cuts our time; We must defer.

My mom paid me a dollar

To write this poem, so blame her.

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January 18, 2020 · 9:48 pm

Yes, The Rhyme Is Valid… No, 9:00 and 9 Aren’t The Same

Today I slept in until 9:00

And felt amazingly fine.

Tomorrow, alas,

All good things must pass

For I must wake at 8:59

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January 17, 2020 · 9:15 pm

Trials of an Amateur Magician

Massachusetts, 1692:

They say a woman joked

Telling her husband, “I got your nose!”

Within an hour the fire was stoked…

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