Once upon a time
There was a tiny little rock
Who was the world’s preeminent scholar
On the early works of Bach.
The little rock was erudite
Yet its career went South
On account of probably white people
And, also, its lack of mouth.
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Once upon a time
A woman majored in STEM
And made millions teaching women
The ways that men were bad to them.
She could have been an engineer
And done science and stuff
But instead she told the patriarchs
She wasn’t paid enough.
Filed under Poems
I close my eyes, remembering
The day we almost met.
You were taking Cynthia
(Your puppy) to the vet.
You were glowing beautifully,
A tear drop in your eye,
And I was in my plain white van,
My third time driving by.
I almost parked, almost went in,
Almost told you my name
But I kept on making four right turns
And keeping things the same.
Sometimes I close my eyes and think
Of how we might have been
But it’s best for both of us if I,
For now, remain unseen.
Filed under Poems
My car may have it’s share of dings,
I may not buy you fancy things,
I might forget your name a lot,
I might comment “Your mom is hot,”
I might not read your favorite book,
I’ll seldom clean and never cook,
But if you become my wife
You can wear sweat pants for the rest of your life!
Filed under Poems
This evening I’m in a way
Where I feel I must say
That I feel my condition
Is quite laodicean
And thus I call it a day.
Filed under Poems
“chay’ leghlaHbe’wI’ chaDo’maq SoH?”
tlhob HoD picard.
wo’rIv, jatlh “ghoS nude bIQ’a’ HeH’e’
“‘ej ‘e’ ‘oH let DaqaSmoHbej.”
——————————————————–
“How do you spot a blind man?”
Asked Captain Picard.
Worf said, “Go to a nude beach
“And you’ll see that it’s not hard.”
Filed under Poems
My ducks were quacking noisily,
Apparently upset.
That’s as close to “In a row”
As my ducks ever get.
Filed under Poems
I used a plastic straw
At one point in my life
Which means I’ll never have a job,
A home, a car, a wife.
I’ll die reviled and alone
And someone will steal my kidney.
I only hope enough turtles live
To guide Marlin to Nemo in Sydney.
Filed under Poems
My mother told me
“You know you’ve hit rock bottom
“When you spank statues.”
Filed under Poems
When I look into your eyes
I see past the grand disguise,
Past the diamonds and the dress
And paint to cover up the stress,
Past your ever-graceful way
Maintained despite a grueling day.
In your eyes, so dark and still,
I see you as no camera will.
In your eyes I see, unhidden,
Slippers, sweatpants, and a kitten.
Twinkle brightly little star
For those who see you as you are.
Filed under Poems
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is having fun
Until the quiet loner guy
Pulls out his loaded gun.
Everyone is joyful.
Everyone joins in the dance
‘Til that one guy from accounting
Pulls a K-bar from his pants.
It’s at that point the happiness
On that crowded dancing floor
Gives way to massive panic
And a stampede for the door.
Now K-bar guy is happy
As is Steve (He’s got the gun)
Because the flat is empty now
And the small talk is all done.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 