Hope and honor,
Faith and love:
These are yours
When you rise above.
So keep moving ahead
If only by little bits.
And for those who won’t,
Here’s to Friday and tits!
Tag Archives: Humor
Buying Lays
Money’s not a good way
To get her in the sack,
But it’s pretty darn effective
If you want to buy a snack.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Press “A,” Don’t Press… Oops
I think that just before we’re born
We make like a video game;
We design our skills and appearances
And even pick our name.
I have evidence for my theory,
And you are my best case
‘Cause your fingers tend to slip a lot
And, well, look at your face!
Filed under Poems
Already Been Chewed
I’ve been under your table.
I’ve been under your chair.
I’m a fixture in public bathrooms
And in little children’s hair.
You can find me on city sidewalks
From America to France.
Won’t you pick me up again
And give me a second chance?
Filed under Poems
Lone Survivor
I was driven this afternoon
To Lazy Susan isle
Where I hoped my friends and I
Could make our masters smile.
Alas, on our arrival
Our happy plan went wrong.
Our masters ate poor Jell-o,
And our fair Hostess, Ding-Dong.
I heard the screams of ice cream,
And the dying shrieks of cake.
I heard the moans of lady fingers
(Though I think those were fake).
How I survived I do not now,
But I’m alive to sing this ballad
Of the Lazy Susan massacre.
Yours truly,
Kale Salad
…At First Sight
If you were a cow
I’d give you a moo.
If you were the floor
I’d take a picture of you.
If you were a quiz show
I’d hazard a guess,
But since you’re a human
I couldn’t care less.
Welcome to the Tundra
(A Parody of “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses)
Welcome to the Tundra.
We’ve got fun and games.
We’ve all got PhD’s, Honey
And we’re all named Frank or James.
One hour on Skype’s all the social
Intercourse we need.
If you’ve got a scientific grant,
We’ve got your deep freeze.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra.
Watch it bring you to your knees.
I want to watch you renew our funding please.
Welcome to the tundra.
We take it day by day.
If you want it, you’ll wear lots of fur,
And get industry-competitive pay.
And if you’re a very sexy girl
Let likes to talk and chat
You better get your cell phone out
‘Cause us guys don’t dig all that.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Feel my, my, my polar bear.
Ooh, you’d better grow your hair.
Welcome to the tundra
Where we’ve got two-hour days.
You learn to live like an animal
In our permafrost-sampling ways.
If your hungry, here’s an MRE.
You’ll get used to them eventually.
You can have anything you want
Unless it’s fresh, flavorful, or hot.
And if you’re high, you’re actually
At the same elevation as everyone else.
You know where you are;
You’re in the tundra baby.
Your skin’ll get dry in the tundra.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Studying stratification.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Writing your dissertation.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra
Extrapolating from incomplete information.
In the tundra, welcome to the tundra.
It’ll bring you to your
Required credits of applied study. Ha!
Traffic Jam
I put some rubber on my toast
Along with smog and frustration,
Mixed with a soupsant
Of despair and irritation.
It wasn’t a great breakfast,
But I didn’t want to shirk,
So I had toast with traffic jam
On my way to work.
The Daily Travesty 