The dragon loomed above me
Drooling volcanic spittle.
He said to me “I’ll spare your life
“If you answer me this riddle.”
Then I saw the dragon smile,
Its eyes a golden sheen:
“What’s harder to fix? The government
“Or the McDonald’s ice cream machine?”
Filed under Poems
“My wife needs more pillows.”
“That mullet looks great!”
“Soccer’s exciting.”
“The world needs more hate.”
“Pink armpit hair’s hot.”
“I got a job with my arts degree.”
“I wish that I had gotten caught.”
“I really, super don’t have to pee.”
“I really hate inner tubes.”
“That was a great United flight.”
“She’d look better with smaller boobs.”
“The valedictorian’s getting laid tonight!”
Filed under Poems
I am a tree without a trunk,
A neck without a spine,
A car without a chassis,
A roller coaster with no line.
I’m an eskimo in Florida,
Someone humble in LA.
You’ve probably never seen me
And it’ll probably stay that way.
Filed under Poems
The rules say nothing’s perfect,
That all things have their flaws,
But I’m pretty sure that pancakes
Always disobey such laws.
The other perfect things
As my reckoning would go
Are unfixed wrestling matches
And Las Vegas’ August snow.
Since the things I mentioned
More than likely don’t exist
I rest my case for pancakes.
(Let me know if there’s something I missed).
Filed under Poems
Breathe in, breathe out.
Put your lips in a pout.
Breathe out, breathe in.
Extend all your skin.
Inhale, exhale.
Stretch each fingernail.
Air above, air beneath.
Bite your lower teeth.
Breath out, breathe in.
Stare up at your chin.
Take in the air.
Flex all of your hair.
Count sideways from ten,
And do it again.
Filed under Poems
Someday we’ll have peace on Earth.
Someday lemons will be sweet.
Someday men might just give birth
And there’ll be no character limit to what you can tweet.
Someday congress will banter politely
Instead of picking a bone.
Someday you’ll get eight hours of sleep nightly,
And a girl will go to the bathroom alone.
Someday governments won’t be so crappy,
And perhaps they will fix all the roads.
Someday the world will embrace and be happy,
Eight minutes before the sun explodes.
Filed under Poems
Have you ever met a person
Who’s perfect in every way,
Who understands your troubles
And makes them go away,
Whose smile dries your tears
And whose laughter steals your heart
And, even though you’re all grown up,
Lets you ride in the shopping cart,
Is friendly as a puppy,
And wiser than a book,
A phenomenal bass player
And an established gourmet cook,
And’s not the slightest bit pretentious
But humble and adoring,
Has beauty and personality
And never gets boring?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 