Tag Archives: Love

May 22, 2017 · 3:24 pm

When You Have The Heart Of A Lion But She Has The Sensibilities Of A Homo Sapien

We met online at 12:00 AM

And bonded over cats.

We bared our souls with smileys

And confirmed the predictions of anonymous stats.

We texted back and forth a bit

Before we met in real life.

You thought I was kinda cute.

I knew you’d be my wife.

But as the days and weeks went by

Our love was less smooth than I was hopin’.

You kept some of the gifts I sent you

But the boxes of dead rodents, you didn’t open!

So now I’m naked, watching Louie

On Amazon TV

Regretting how your heart did not

Know how much that cat-bonding meant to me.

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May 18, 2017 · 8:38 pm

Just An Older, Superterranean Type Of Lady

It seems every woman I meet

Is a gold digger of sorts,

Or else too young to engage

As romantically-inclined cohorts.

I’m not the sort of man who’s oft

Accused or called a whiner

But for once I want to meet a gal

Who’s not a miner or a minor.

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May 17, 2017 · 2:45 pm

Reel Me In Baby

When I’m with you

The sun shines brighter,

The water’s warmer,

My body’s lighter.

When I’m with you

I am flavorful, raw.

I just wish you’d get rid of

This hook in my jaw!

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May 5, 2017 · 8:24 pm

Unforgettable Love

Tick tock!

I see her walk

Down main street USA.

The passing time…

Her smile’s bright shine…

I hardly notice the gloomy day.

Tick tock!

I see her stop

And watch her turn my way.

Time feels so slow.

I’ve no place to go.

So glad I’ve got all day!

Hours, minutes,

Days and weeks;

The world is timeless

When she speaks.

Her endless sunset 

Lights my life.

What on Earth

Will I tell my wife?

Tick tock!

I see her socks.

They look a lot like mine.

Her lovely face…

Her classic grace…

The way she says “I’m fine…”

Tick tock!

Again she talks.

She calls my secret name.

It dawns on me

And soon I see…

Oh my God, how lame!

Hours, minutes,

Days and weeks;

The world is timeless

When she speaks.

Her endless sunset 

Lights my life.

Just realized…

She is my wife!

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May 1, 2017 · 8:29 pm

That Look In Your Eyes When We Make Love

Your breath on my skin

Like a warm summer breeze.

You pull of your shirt

And my throat starts to squeeze.

I gaze at your torso…

Oh God, I need to sneeze!

Though my face is contorted

I beg of you, please

Know that you don’t disgust me

‘Xcept maybe your knees…

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April 28, 2017 · 11:21 am

My Last Words As An Employed Relationship Counselor

“Every single woman

Who is single seems to be

Either fat, a slut, a robot,

Or living far away from me.

I may be exaggerating,

My standards set too high,

But I’m getting sick of looking

And I cannot tell a lie.”


Hear ye, frustrated seeker

Of a love that doesn’t suck:

Your whining has been heard

And it turns out you’re in luck!

A new app’s been developed

You can download on your phone

That can take your DNA

And produce your romantic clone.

“Responder to my whining…

The problem is, you see,

That my standards are so high

That I’m not good enough for me.”

Whiny loveless seeker…

The nail’s head’s been hit.

If you’re sure no one will ever be

A truly perfect fit

Then go and buy a puppy

Or a dolphin or a snake

So your next of kin gets something

After you drown yourself in a lake.

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April 12, 2017 · 8:59 pm

My Ex, Why Z?

She’s a glass doll made of plastic,

A silent symphony,

A baby butterfly

But not a caterpillar, see. 

She’s the sense of satisfaction

Men don’t get from buying shoes.

She’s a pomegranate seed,

But just the part without the juice.

She’s nonfat butter ice cream.

She’s that feeling of “just woke up.”

She’s everything and nothing

Which is probably why we broke up.

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April 4, 2017 · 9:40 pm

I Like The Tender Types

I flipped a coin. It landed heads.

I flipped again. It landed tails.

One or the other every time-

It is a trick that never fails.

I asked eight girls “wanna do it?”

Four of the girls thought it was funny

The others got a guy to dent my skull.

This is why people are attracted to money.

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April 2, 2017 · 10:03 pm

When/If I Find Love

I reserved us a table

At Chez Fantastique,

Unparalleled class,

Unquestionably chic.

 I wanted to give

Only the best to you,

But alas with me

Guess a dinner will do.

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March 23, 2017 · 12:36 pm

The Princess and the Tapeworm

We meet as if by fate

As quietly you chew your nails.

As the hour grows so late

We fall asleep and life falls off the rails.

Suddenly I’m in your head.

I listen to the signals your brain sends.

All of your nutrients are mine;

Your means will satisfy my ends!

You ate me up

And I’ll return the favor.

The taste of you’s

My brand new favorite flavor.

And now to you I sing this song

So you will never get me wrong:

I love you! You know it’s true

Even though I’m one inch long.

I hope you can digest the fact

I’ve gotten under your skin.

You’re losing weight, but just you wait

For our life together to begin!

Your pain is mine, and mine is yours.
I hope our love is true,

And even as you try to purge me

I’ll always have a special place inside of you.

You ate me up

And I’ll return the favor.

The taste of you’s

My longtime favorite flavor.

And now to you I sing this song

So you will never get me wrong:

I love you! You know it’s true.

By the way, I’m six feet long. 😉

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