As if unprompted, she said
“I am not a chair! Don’t sit on me!”
I’m not inclined to sit on strangers
But now I kind of want to see…
Tag Archives: Love
Why I Never Got Together With That Cute Girl In Class
What wonder has a flower,
A daisy or a rose,
To the clueless human
As on its way it goes?
A work of nature, beautiful,
Is worth not but a glance
For what interest has a human
In the idle ways of plants?
But a very ugly flower
That can nauseate by sight,
That makes you want to kick a baby,
Draw attention that just might.
So when you see the spiders
Crawling from my bloodshot eyes
I seek your fondness and attention.
‘Twas not that so very wise?
Filed under Poems
Questionable Pickup Line #473
If you see a girl you like
And say to her “my name is Mike”
Then it’d be a real shame
If that weren’t your real name.
Filed under Poems
Baby Don’t Got Back
I saw her and yelled to her “Hey!”
Then I asked “those legs go all the way?”
Then I thought “what the heck?”
‘Cause her legs met her neck
Which I noticed as she walked away.
Filed under Poems
True Love? Oh Baby!
I saw her in a Pampers ad
During some mindless family show.
I’d not ’til then fallen in love
But that’s the way things go.
I loved the sunshine in her hair,
The drool upon her chin,
The way the super-absorbency
Accented her alabaster skin.
I called the network, desperately
Seeking to find her name
But I couldn’t connect with anyone.
My only other option? Fame!
I scored a role in a ketchup ad,
Then became a multi-roler
When I starred as the kid who modeled
The Cadillac B-90 Stroller.
I was the hottest babe in Hollywood,
Beloved for being small,
Yet still I’d not connected with her
For whom I’d done it all.
And so my heart goes on and on,
Never to bestill.
I pray I’ll play beside her,
The Jack unto her Jill.
Until that fateful future day
I spend my nights alone,
Just me and my beloved
Via Youtube on my phone.
Filed under Poems
Three Films For The Dork Lords On Their Basement Thrones (LotR)
We’ve all seen movies
That we adore.
We’ll watch them ten times,
Then ten more!
Sure, you know it
Line for line
But that’s not boring!
That’s just fine!
These films are family,
Allies, friends.
We love their journeys
Despite familiar ends.
To love such things
Need not be wrong,
But alas, my favorites
Are 12 hours long…
Filed under Poems
Post First-Date Form Letter V 1.0
In fair Verona, long ago
Lived fair Juliet and her Romeo,
Two kids who, about each other, raved
And whom better communication skills could have saved.
For in a land where alchemists
Can make you look dead if your parents are pissed
Informing your partner of your choice to partake
In such a substance is a wise choice to make,
But neh! Knowing better, the 15 year old
Pair of lovers thought the others needn’t be told.
And thus was a theatrical masterpiece born
To suffice in an era with no access to porn.
This is why I didn’t call;
I just want our love to conquer all.
Filed under Poems
Advice Is Appreciated
Don’t want to marry just some girl.
I’m looking for a wholesome girl.
A girl whose lack of cleavage
Warms my big platonic heart.
A girl who thinks that working’s
Not synonymous with twerking.
A girl who skips the bar
Because she wants to look at art.
I want to find a happy lass
Who doesn’t want to shake her ass,
Who goes to church on Sundays
And buys ice cream from a truck,
Who’s pure and chaste and sweet
And, instead of “lit,” says “neat.”
But I also want Beyonce,
So I’m feeling kinda stuck…
Filed under Poems
Dear Fellow Drivers, Stanzas 1-3 of 666
I love you
Like I love early mornings,
Like the smell of microwaveable cuisine,
Like a secondhand q-tip,
Like stainable steel,
Like the dry-mouth aftertaste of human spleen.
I love you
Like Jew’s love the early 40’s,
Like nudists love Alaskan Winter nights.
I love you like a river
Loves the absence of nearby bathrooms,
Like Congress loves supporting individual rights.
I love you
Like Chris Brown loves Rihanna,
Like hot girls like short, polite, low-income men.
I love you
Like babies like international flights,
Like when your cellmate winks and says “hey babe, I’m Ben.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 